The Life of an Army Wife! - Wedding Forum

Heather · #1 (**permalink**) 12-10-2004, 03:25 AM

The Life of an Army wife

Being married to someone in the Army is almost like being married to 2 people, when ever you want to plan something, no matter how small or big, there is always a doubt in the back of your mind as to whether or not the plans will have to change, which believe me can be more frustrating that you can imagine, cancelling things at the last minute, or not booking until the last minute.
I came across this quote from someone who was answering a journalists question about what it was like being an army wife…..
“Women always love men in uniform but a lot just don't realise what goes with that uniform....what the realities are.....cos i never did before.....coming second to the army is something that is hard to accept when in a relationship you're supposed to be no.1 in the other person's life...with the army that can't happen....its not just a job its a way of life....365days a year 24/7....”
It’s a complete culture shock getting married, especially if you’ve not lived together beforehand, that goes without saying, but for me getting married meant leaving home (ok, I’d only lived in the house for 10 months so I wasn’t that upset) but it meant leaving my mum and knowing that she wouldn’t be “just around the corner” she would be a few hours drive away…. I had to stand on my own to feet, start a new job, make new friends, oh yeah and discover what it was like to live with someone who wasn’t my mum!!
To add another twist I had to get used to having Matt not around all that much as he was on a course within a few weeks of us getting married and moving into the house…
Oh yeah, housing that’s another good one…… ok we get “subsidised” houses and pay rent, so there’s no worries about “Mortgages”. Just the fact that you live at a certain address can have it’s own “problems” people know automatically that you’re a forces wife and boy do some people look down their noses at you, some places treat you very differently because of your address, regardless of who you are as a person or what you do as a job yourself, they just think “Squaddies Wife”

Most marriages go through ups and downs, this is no different being married to the forces, however in some ways the “ups” are very definitely high and the lows can be extremely low.
Knowing that there will be short separations is a fact of live for any couple, after all you can’t be together 24/7 and work/family commitments mean that some time apart will be inevitable, military wives go into marriage knowing there will be regular and irregular separations, ranging from a few days to up to a year sometimes, not easy to think about.
These separations can cause stresses and strains, not just during the time apart but in the weeks and days leading up to it but also on their return. Leading up to times apart the tension increases, you try incredibly hard to make everything “just perfect” so that you both part with “Nice, happy thoughts” It’s hardly surprising though that this is when arguments and bickering increase due to the uncertainty and stress of preparing for something “different”
Whilst partners are away it’s up to those left behind to “Carry on Regardless”… a lot easier said than done as you can imagine, but it does help to interests and work away from the military, not everyone is fortunate enough to get good welfare and unit support, especially if you’re not part of a large unit, which is the case for us, If you can remember ‘Soldier, Soldier’ and the images of all the wives rallying around whilst husbands are away then you’ll get know the fantasy, the reality is far from it in most cases, if you’re lucky you’ll have one friend who’s husband is in the same unit and away at the same time, and if you’re incredibly lucky you’ll get regular updates from the unit’s welfare officer and you’ll even have “events” laid on you, all family based of course, so if you’re a wife but not yet a mum then these can feel incredibly exclusive.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love Matt any less because of these things, in fact I’m incredibly proud to be his wife, and quite possibly love him even more than if he was doing a different job.
He has to put up with so much from me……. When plans get changed from “on high” and he has to spend some more time away from home who gets the bad moods, the shouting, the swearing, the tears? Is it his boss? The person who changed the plans?? Nope, it’s him…… does he deserve it? Certainly not but it’s not really the done thing to shout and rant at some “Major” who’s probably going through the same things at home with his wife and family.
I’ve waffled on enough…………. I’ve been fortunate in that I’ve not experienced a long separation, although in a weeks time I’ll be “left behind” for 6 months…….

Dawnmm77 has been there, and her thoughts and feelings are attached, along with some poems/readings that help show you how different life being married to the forces is.

“Many people think that being an army wife automatically means that arms will be opened wide to welcome you to the "army family". Nothing could be further from the truth in my experience.
When we got married and moved to Salisbury in 2002, I had the biggest culture shock of my life. Like so many other "civilians", I assumed life would be an endless round of "wives club", meetings with the Families Officer, activities and so on. But when we arrived (with the possibility of Neal leaving me in two weeks time for a three month tour of Afghanistan) I found myself almost completely alone. As Neal is not part of a Regiment, and simply attached to any that need him at the time of posting, we don't have the benefit of a designated Welfare Officer. So I had moved 250 miles away from everything that was familiar - my family, my friends, my job - and it was so scary. I soon realized that I would have to stand on my own two feet, as I received no moral support from the Families Office, and I still have yet to meet anyone from there over two years on. But anyway, life settled down, amid countless exercises and courses where I had to be without my husband.
The major breaker are the tours. Knowing the person you love is risking his life in war torn countries is a burden for anyone. These tours can last anything from a couple of months to over a year, the average being six months. Last year we received the news that Neal was being sent to Iraq due to the possibility of war out there. He was there when the first bombs fell and I have never experienced fear like that before. Even though people advise you not to do it, you feel compelled to watch every single news bulletin you can, wondering if your loved one is somewhere out there in the middle of it all. Thankfully he came home safe and sound and we spent a happy month together before they sent him back out there for another three months.
When he returned, my head was in pieces. I found it so hard to adjust to him being back. Every time the phone rang, I was scared it would be news of another tour he was needed on. Having someone back in the space I'd got used to as my own was difficult too and it all led to us almost being divorced before we'd even been married a year. Obviously we managed to sort things out and I love him for having that patience with me, and giving me the time I needed to get back to "normal". I've heard that more marriages end in divorce in the military than in any other profession and from what I've seen this doesn't surprise me at all. All the time spent apart means it's very easy to simply "outgrow" each other, and it takes a strong relationship to keep the fires burning.
Neal is now on a four month tour of the Falklands, which while it's not highly dangerous out there, it's still very disruptive to family life and upsetting for all concerned. Our girls were heartbroken when Neal left this time, but they soon bounce back. The trick is to try and keep things normal for them - try to keep to a routine and give them that little bit extra when it comes to cuddles. I find it incredibly difficult to play mum AND dad while Neal is away. The girls tend to see me as the pushover and Neal as the one who lays down the law. Having to step into this role makes me feel uncomfortable as it's not one I'm used to.
The one phrase I hate more than any other is "well you knew what you were getting into before you married him". Yes I did know, to some extent, but if you truly love someone then you have to take the good with the bad. Me knowing that life would sometimes be awful due to the army, wouldn't have stopped me from marrying him. I think everything I have experienced as an "army wife" has definitely made me a stronger person. Of course I still get upset and have a cry now and then, but at the end of the day you simply have to get on with things. I enjoy the independence I have, I've made friends through my job and so no longer feel so alone. But this doesn't take away the pain when you wake up in the morning and realize your husband isn't there.
Despite all the points I've made above, there are good sides to army life too. Your husband has a well paid, secure job with a guaranteed pension at the end of it. There are lots of people around you who are in the same situation and can help you through the bad times. We pay subsidised rent - where else could you get a three-bedroomed house for £100 a month!? You have the chance to travel the world and see new places - some of the best army schools are abroad. So every cloud DOES have a silver lining. It's just a shame that this has to be at the expense of sometimes being without your loved ones.”
(Dawnmm77)

Heather · #2 (**permalink**) 12-10-2004, 03:26 AM

Army Wedding Vows "Wilt thou, Adam, take this woman as thy wedded wife, to live together in so far as the Ministry of Defence will allow? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, take her to the pictures and come home promptly on all leave passes?"
"Wilt thou, Eve, take this Soldier as thy wedded husband, bearing in mind off-duty hours, schedules, secondary duties, sudden postings, uncertain mail connections and all other problems incident to Army life?"
"Wilt thou serve him, love, honour, and wait for him, learn to wash, fold and press his uniforms, and keep a lamp in the window for him?"
"I, Adam, take thee, Eve as my wedded wife, from 1700hrs until 0500hrs, as far as permitted by my commanding officer, off-duty hours (subject to change without notice) for better or worse, for earlier or later, and I promise to write at least once a week (unless I can think of a good excuse not to)"
"I, Eve, take thee, Adam as my lawful wedded husband, subject to orders of your commanding officer, changing residence whenever ordered, to have and to hold as long as my allotment comes through regularly, I give my troth."
"Then let no man put asunder what God and the Ministry of Defence have brought together, by divine virtue of the authority vested in regulations, subject to directives, and the latest Instructions concerning marriage, you are now man and wife."

Surprisingly realistic vows, which I think would have many people running back up the aisle before they said I do…….. definitely makes you realise what you’re marrying into.

The Difference.

Over the years a lot has been said about Military spouses … how special
they are and the price they pay for freedom, too. The funny thing
about it, is most military spouses don’t consider themselves different
from other spouses. They do what they have to do, bound together not
by blood or merely friendship, but with a shared spirit whose origin is
in the very essence of what love truly is. Is there truly a
difference? I think there is … you have to decide for yourself.

Other spouses get married and look forward to building equity in a home
and putting down family roots. Military spouses get married and know
they’ll live in base housing or rent, and their roots must be short so
they can be transplanted frequently.

Other spouses decorate a home with flair and personality that will last
a lifetime. Military spouses decorate a home with flare tempered with
the knowledge that no two base houses have the same size windows or
same size rooms. Curtains have to be flexible and multiple sets are a
plus. Furniture must fit like puzzle pieces.

Other spouses have living rooms that are immaculate and seldom used.
Military spouses have immaculate living/dining room combos. The coffee
table got a scratch or two moving from Germany, but it still looks
pretty good.

Other spouses say good-bye to their spouse for a business trip and know
they won’t see them for a week. They are lonely, but can survive.
Military spouses say good-bye to their deploying spouse and know they
won’t see them for months or, for the remote, a year. They are lonely,
but they will survive.

Other spouses, when a washer hose blows off, call any old plumbing
company in then write a cheque out for getting the hose reconnected.
Military spouses will cut the water off and fix it themselves.

Other spouses get used to saying “hello” to friends they see all the
time. Military spouses get used to saying “good-bye” to friends made
the last few years.

Other spouses worry about whether their child will be class president
next year. Military spouses worry about whether their child will be
accepted in yet another new school next year, and whether the school
will be the worst in the area … again.

Other spouses can count on spouse participation in special events …
birthdays, anniversaries, concerts, football games, exams, even the
birth of a child. Military spouses only count on each other, because
they realize that the Flag has to come first if freedom is to survive.
It has to be that way.

Other spouses put up yellow ribbons when the troops are imperilled
across the globe, and take them down when the troops come home.
Military spouses wear yellow ribbons around their hearts and they never
go away.

Other spouses worry about being late for Mum’s Christmas dinner.
Military spouses worry about getting back from the Falklands in time
for Dad’s funeral.

And other spouses are touched by the television program, showing an
elderly lady putting a card down in front of a tall stone monument that
has names on it. The card simply says “Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.
You would have been sixty today.” The lady with the card is a military
spouse. And the monument is a World War II Memorial.

Never say military spouses are better or worse than other spouses are.
But they are different. Our country asks more of military spouses than
is asked of other spouses, and I will say, without hesitation, that
military spouses pay just as high a price for freedom as do their
active duty husbands or wives. Perhaps the price they pay is higher.
Dying in service to our country isn’t nearly as hard as loving someone
who has died in service to our country, and having to live without
them. God bless our military spouses for all they freely give.

This has been adapted for us Brits, from an original piece written by
Colonel Steven Arrington, 17th Training Wing Vice Commander,
Goodfellow AFB San Angelo, Texas.
Its sentiments speak volumes - no matter where we are, and in whose
Armed Forces we serve

bron · #3 (**permalink**) 21-04-2005, 11:43 AM

Just read this again because of our new army wife to be joining and I would just like to say that I think you're all amazing I hate the fact Steves away most weekends in the summer I would never cope with what you do. And that Groovy is always here for you remember when you need that constant or if you're moved off to another unknown Godforsaken part of the country to just log on again.

claire · #4 (**permalink**) 21-04-2005, 02:08 PM

ive never actually read this untill now

wow what a sentimental piece, My dad was in the army for over 20 years so parts of Heather and Dawns thread I can relate to but I dont think you appreciate it all unless its actually yourself, I never thought of those things when I was younger but now im a married woman myself it really hits home the things you have to go through being an army wife

all Id like to say is I think you are truly amazing to go through what you do

I would hate for my marriage to be controlled like that

love
claire
xx

Mrs F · #5 (**permalink**) 05-05-2005, 04:37 PM

OMG this sounds just like my life!! im not an army wife but my other half (soon to be hubby) is in the Merchant Navy and works away for anything up to 8/9 months away depending on the ship he is on. But thank god we have never had to go that long!! 16 weeks being the longest and i was heavily pregnant then. We get no subsidised rent, we pay our mortgage, his job is on the way out due to the government putting higher demands on the shipping companies to hire people less qualified for less money. Craig spent 5 years at college/Uni to get where he is in his job ( chief officer) These companies now hire people from the far east to do a job they know nothing about. But im getting away from the point here........

Anyway, i hate being alone here. I moved from Dublin to be here with him, have no family here ( all still in Dublin) i changed jobs, and to college too, as well as doing the usual hose stuff and looking after the brat (my son!!) Its horrible when he comes home because he expects me to put aside my daily routine to be with him. Holidays are a nightmare to plan. Schools dont think about our situation when it comes to holidays. Craig can be away for the whole of the summer holidays so we have to holiday during school time. I feel so guilty all because the teacher looks at me funny when i say we are going during term time.

Im just praying he makes it home for the wedding!!!

a7lyg · #6 (**permalink**) 09-05-2005, 08:11 AM

Hi Irishgirl, fingers crossed he'll make it home for the wedding!

Dawn & Heather, thanks for such a moving thread. I know some of what you're going through - Billy was in the Royal Navy when we met and when we married. He's now been out of it for 2 years and there is not a day goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars for it, even when he is irritating me!

He was an engineer on a nuclear submarine. This meant when he was at sea, I didn't know where he was, I didn't receive any phone calls from him (unless they surfaced at which point I may have got one 30 second phone at 3am one morning and not hear from him again for 2 or 3 months). I got mail, sometimes, but he couldn't tell me where he was or what he was doing (which I am sure is true for a lot of the forces). He was at sea when the Kursk went down. I was drying my hair in the living room with the sound turned down on the TV - I looked up and the BBC news headlines were on with a caption - "submarine down, all feared dead". Finding that remote control and turning up the volume was the longest 20 seconds of my life - only when I could hear it did I realise it was a Russian sub and not one of ours. I didn't hear from him for 5 weeks after that. When the boat was in Faslane he used to commute which was great as I got to see him every day, but he worked 24 hour shifts so was always knackered and slept most of the time. We couldn't plan holidays or weekends until he knew when he was getting leave and even that could change at short notice. He missed several funerals when he was at sea and lost touch with most of his friends. When he came home after a patrol, he always wanted to be outside getting fresh air because he'd been stuck in a "tin can" for so long. He used to drive everywhere with the window open and all the windows in the house were always open too, it was freezing and it drove me nuts! When he knew he was going away, his last days were always sad affairs and there was always a lot of tears. It was extremely hard for me but nothing compared to what it was like for him and his fellow submariners. I was on the submarine once but had to leave after 20 mins as I began to feel claustrophobic - I can't imagine being stuck under water in it for months at a time, not feeling any air on your face, not seeing daylight or being able to go for a walk to chill out or calm down. When he came back from a long spell at sea, his skin was grey and he always looked really ill, it was awful.

He was medically discharged from the Navy but is still having trouble adapting to civilian life. He misses the camaraderie (sp?) and the feeling of doing a worthwhile job, but he doesn't miss the endless days at sea and the job he did. The Navy has left his health in a dreadful state, but that's not something I want to go into - I get too angry and now is not the time or the place. He had a lot of good times and saw a lot of the world, but he also has strange attitudes about certain things and his life was also in danger more than once. I can't even begin to imagine how these men and women must feel serving their country - they are brave beyond words.

I take my hat off to all forces wives who manage to stick it out and make their marriage work. I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say I don't know whether I could have coped with it long term, esp. not if children started to come on the scene-several of his colleagues missed the births of their children because they were away and that is something you can never, ever get back.

Hunnybee · #7 (**permalink**) 25-08-2005, 08:21 PM

Hi, there... this is my first post as a new member to the site. I know very well the sentiments you posted, My fiancee (from a military family) has recently left the Army after 14 years as an NCO, well its coming up to 12 mths of Civvy Bliss!! and boy am I enjoying every minute of being able to plan things... no more living for the weekend or for Leave which would invariably be cancelled at the last minute - along with any holiday plans, or the worry of Iraq or Afghanistan! I know Scott misses a lot of aspects of Army life, the friends and laughs. He is trying to get into the police to carry across his pension etc... One regret is not having the Military wedding photos... but I know which I prefer... Sorry this is such a short post... but I just realised the time!

all the best x

KM · #8 (**permalink**) 26-08-2005, 07:39 AM

Hi Jo

Welcome to Groovy!

Enjoy your new founded time with your H2B, & good luck to him in trying to get into the Police force.

Enjoy your wedding planning

x

cakelady · #9 (**permalink**) 28-10-2005, 06:03 PM

GOD.....I can sympathise with all of you....I was an actual squaddie myself, 13 years of service, felt like I had 2 mums...my own and my nco .....all I can say is though army life can be brilliant (for the singles) it's not much fun, when there's a partner involved. I am really glad now that I have got back to civvie street, and "freedom"
wendy
x

CathyB · #10 (**permalink**) 29-06-2006, 10:05 AM

I know this is an old post but I just wanted to say thankyou for describing the life so well.

My gorgeous man is in the Navy and currently away, he went in January and is due home sometime in October (fingers crossed).

#11 (**permalink**) 04-10-2008, 03:42 AM

i am glad that i left army! i f my gal had read this article, and had i been in the army still, she would have been thinking of giving our marriage a second thought