Well done you for posting. If i had read this 5 years ago and realised that it wasnt only me who had thoughts like you did i wouldnt have felt like such a crap mother for the first 2 years of my sons life.

Im sure that just writing all this down has been a huge help to you in some ways. Please know that you are not a crap mother. You are being the best possible mother by helping yourself first.

Warmest hugs and thought to you. Your post will help all new groovy mums and mums to be in future to know that its ok not be be 101%

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I have only just read this thread and, I have to say Rach, you are brilliant for getting through all that. Thank you for giving such an honest and brave account of what you went/are going through.

Being fairly close to the birth myself, you haven't scared me, it's just made me realise that it's not always plain sailing afterwards. I will feel more able to cope knowing that you and others have been through it.

Hats off to your husband too. He sounds like a real gem.

I'm so glad you are feeling more positive now and, from what I've seen and heard, you are a fantastic mummy.
Take care.
Love, Rachel
xxx

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Married Lee on 6.8.05
Our gorgeous boy, Max was born on 3.7.06

Well, i have ummed and ahhed about posting more to this article as i am really beginning to fear that i am boring you all. I've also been very reluctant to tell anyone about this, i am not sure why as i don't think i should be ashamed but, i dunno. Anyway, i've no journal right now so here it is.

At the time i wrote that article, i really felt like i was over the worst but its been much more of a slog than that and i am still nowhere near where i'd like to be.

On the whole, there have been many more good spells than bad over the past 8 months but since we've moved, the bad spells have been getting increasingly worse. Yesterday, i struggled to force myself to take C out for a walk. I just wanted to shut the door and pretend the world, C and me didn't exist. I often have thoughts that disturb me - such as standing at a bus stop and calculating when i'd jump out in front of each car, or if i am driving, thinking, i'll just go straight on instead of turning into this corner. And it's freaking me out totally. I'd never do it but i don't even want to think about it!

Since i was first put on it, i've had my medication increased twice so now i am on (what i think is) the maximum dosage. A friend on here told me that on this dosage, i should be all "floaty and not giving a toss" but it's not like that. I still have very low periods only now, my memory is so rubbish that if you asked me what i had for breakfast, i'd have to think about it for 10 mins. I am having to apologise to various people for forgetting important dates etc, it's not that i don't care, it's just that things go out of my head as quickly as they go in. In my interview on Monday, i couldn't remember precise details of some of my previous work experience so i waffled more than i should have.

It's also affecting our relationship now. I'm very isolated during the day, am more than a bit paranoid about things, very easily tired (I could sleep for days, literally), and easily upset and miserable. Also, C is never still for an instant which is fun sometimes as he's curious and learning about the world but it's exhausting. I know i am hard work right now and N has a lot on his plate. He's doing long days at work, 2 hour commute and the overnights with our little darling (who still wakes for a bottle - zero tolerance begins at Christmas when N is off for 3 weeks). So we're arguing and fighting more than normal.

Anyway, my new doctors (and this is the bit i have been reluctant to mention to anyone really) have decided to refer me to a psychiatrist. I don't know whether i'm relieved that i don't have to keep struggling alone, totally freaked out by the "label" or what really. I am more worried about what folk think than i was about PND, i don't know what that says. PND trendy to admit to? I hope not, it's a horrible horrible thing!

I have no date for it yet but hopefully it won't be long and they can do something to help.

(sorry for waffling and sorry for being so candid. You're probably all sick of me whinging)

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You are very brave to keep updating us, and never think you are boring us! Hopefully the psychiatrist will be able to adjust your medication so as to make more of a difference.

As for you and N arguing, considering everything your family has gone through this year, I'd be gobsmacked if it didn't show up somewhere!

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The IVF worked!!! William Robert born 21st Dec06www.picturetrail.com/jonathansel

Don't know how I missed the update. Hope things are getting easier for you.

Aww sweets, I so sorry to hear you're still struggling

Please be assured that there really is no shame in seeing a psychiatrist, it's really good to hear that your doctor is referring you. I'm guessing it's for an assessement with a mebbe view to counselling??? That being the case it's just to assess what type would best for you.

F**k what others might think, the most important people in your life is you and your family...if you had a bad back you'd got to a chiropractor....what is the stigma of seeing a psychiatrist if your head's not feeling too good?

Thankfully I think our generations outlook on alternative therapies is changing for the better. Fighting the good fight & solidering on because I though 'people like me (??!!??) didn't get depressed' was a big part of my problem. As soon as I realised that i didn't have to suffer in silence and reached out to those who love & care about me the better everything started to become. PLEASE REMEMBER that you're NOT waffling or whinging....you're communicating how you really feel which is an important life tool...the most common cause of all friendships or relationship breakdowns is lack of communication...therefore in the words of Bob Hoskins...It's good to talk'!

The one thing that I found helpful was remembereing that if a friend was in the same situation as me...would I think she was waffling on??? NO!!! I would want to listen, be a shoulder to cry if necessary and be their rock if they so needed...I know you would be exactly the same.

You are a wicked lass & hugely popular in this particular virtual world so promise us that you'll keep posting, and posting, and posting....

Lots of love xx

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It is true that we don't know what we have till we lose it, but its also true that we dont know what we have been missing till it arrives

Rach I feel you'll find the psychiatrist helpful I really do and even more so if it's combined with a change in medication. It seems as though the answer so far has been to just keep uping the dosage of a medication that doesn't seem to be the right one for you. It seems like you're getting the effects from it that you don't want - tiredness and memory loss are side effects of what you're on - but none of the positive effects. I don't know if you're aware but among the other side effects are flu like symptoms and dizziness both of which you've experienced recently. All these negative side effects just go to making you feel even more crap and so it sems like a vicious circle. The more they increase the dose to make you feel better the more the negative symptoms increase making you feel worse. I'm almost positive that with the right medication you'd find yourself coping far better than you are.

Regarding the arguing well out of the list of top stressful things you've not done too badly at having your share so far this year. A new baby and two house moves in a short space of time would have anyone stressed out with or without depression so arguments are par for the course really. But you have a good man in N who I'm sure is so worried and concerned about you. As much as he may be rowing with you he's also aware that this isn't really you and probably just wants his Rachael back.

How soon before you see the psychiatrist? If you have to wait a while then maybe speak to the doc about changing your medication. A lot of what you're describing is depression but at the same time it's also negative side effects of the medication and so your head must be so messed up with a combination of the two.

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Who the hell invented hormones anyway?


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Everyone else is better at advice/words than me, so I'll just keep giving the

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www.picturetrail.com/jonathansel keep checking for more Will photos

Rachael I really feel for you, and I am sorry to hear things arent getting any better for you.

I wish you all the best with your referal to see a psychiatrist. They often saying talking can be the best medication out there.

Big hugs for you Rach - I'm thinking of you! x

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Sod what other people say Rachel...hope it helps. Take care, Jill

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"All the right notes...but not necessarily in the right order"

You know my thoughts babe! You're a top chick!

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Have just moticed this one. For some reason i never scroll to the bottom of the page.

Anyway, i cant really add on what others have said as they have put it better than i ever could. I think you are fantastic and i applaud you. and i will throw in a too.

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You're all wonderful as ever.

Psych appt tomorrow and am nervous but weirdly looking forward to it. It'll be good to get some sort of direction. It is an assessment with a view to providing extra treatment so hopefully it will help lots

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Yay you've done it now
Hope it went okay

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It is true that we don't know what we have till we lose it, but its also true that we dont know what we have been missing till it arrives

Thanks love, it went fine. Very very hard but it's done and i have some positive outcomes - they're changing my tabs ( to weaning off over Christmas) and referring my to a psychologist for assessment for therapy of some sort.

It's been a hell of a 48 hours. I am about to blog on it, as soon as i have a minute!)

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Glad it was a positive experience for you xx It will be a long hard road but you'll make it cause you're a strong person

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Jenny xx

Really glad you felt it was a step forward for you. You're very brave xx

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* Liz & Stephen 11 June 2005 * Our special boy Zachary Samuel born 6th July '07

That's really good to hear

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It is true that we don't know what we have till we lose it, but its also true that we dont know what we have been missing till it arrives

I'm so sorry that I have completely missed this.

Rach you are an amazing person, you really are.

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Teresa and Paul - 2nd October 2004

Rach, I have only just read this. I havent been in this part of Groovy for yonks! Your post was amazing and honest, I think sometimes on groovy we gloss over the totally shit things we all deal with, and put on a fluffy happy persona, which can add to the feelings of 'I am shit because everyone else is so great' if that makes sense?

Well done you for getting through it and being able to write about it for others x

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Lady Rools

Vivacity, Playfulness, Honesty, Strength