I am very nervous about posting this so be kind to me!!
I also need to add several disclaimers before you read on:
I am not writing this for sympathy or
You’ve all been more than generous in your support for what I’ve been going through already and I am truly grateful for it. I thought and hope it might help others feeling the way that I have and encourage them to get help asap rather than try and struggle on. I have therefore tried to be 100% honest even though it’s been bloody hard to write out (but quite cathartic!) and probably bares my soul more than I’d like to normally. What is it about the internet that makes you write more than you’d ever say if you were in the same room as someone?!
Also sorry in advance that this is a bit long, I got a bit carried away!
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I had a fantastic pregnancy and I loved being pregnant. It was relatively trouble free despite some anaemia and was one of the most enthralling and fascinating experiences of my life.
It made what hit me in labour and afterwards such a hell of a shock.
How to describe how I felt? Not easy to put it into words. I think only someone who has been there can actually understand fully. I thought I’d been through “depressions” before but nothing had been as bad as this.
Mainly I felt totally and utterly numb. And hollow. I couldn’t honestly say I felt any emotion for C, not even any for N though I knew I loved him and nothing had changed between us.
I couldn’t laugh at anything, nothing made me smile at all, and even affectionately jokey comments on here which were directed at me had me stressed and upset when normally I’d have laughed and given back as good as I got.
I felt panicky when C cried, it all felt so relentless and overwhelming.
I felt guilty for not being a good mummy to C. I felt guilty for not loving him the way I thought I should do, I felt guilty for not finding the birth the empowering and positive experience my friend told me childbirth was for her, I felt guilty for not being as excited about C’s arrival as all our friends, family and acquaintances were, I felt guilty for putting all the stress on N as he was worrying about C and worrying about me and was stressed about the whole thing too. I felt guilty about everything really.
The birth kept cycling through my head like a movie. Starting with my waters breaking and going through the whole day until, well at the start it was just until we got out of theatre then it would begin at the beginning again (each time with me thinking how ironic it was that I was actually excited about being in labour at the start). It still does now unless I make a conscious effort to stop it, I am getting better at that now it’s not so raw. Only now, it cycles through the first week in hospital as well before going back to the beginning. Apparently this is a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress syndrome.
I felt that C and N would be better off without me and was SO close to running out on them both. There was one morning in the hospital when I had had an hours sleep overnight and breastfeeding was absolutely disastrous with C screaming uncontrollably and me all tense and stressed and in physical pain. I think that was my absolute low point. I was desperate to just put my clothes on and abandon C there. I'd probably only have got to the top of the stairs outside the ward and sat and sobbed. I’d have done it had it not been for the fact that the midwives station was by the door and they’d have seen me. And yes, I feel guilty for that too even though I didn’t actually do it. God knows how I’d have felt if I HAD done it. Just as well I couldn’t.
As days went once we got home, I began to have thoughts about jumping out of the car when it was moving, leaping into the road in front of cars etc. Even thoughts, and it is very hard to write this, about harming C. I’d never have done any of these things,
never ever ever ever, but I terrified myself with them popping into my mind and (thankfully) popping straight out again. Please don't judge me on this, i think it might be easy if you haven't been there to think "OMG, unfit mother" (I certainly felt it). I had to tell the Dr this and i was terrified they'd take him away. They haven't and they won't, thankfully!
As I understand it from what I’ve read, all of these things are 100% normal and typical for PND. I’ve just had to accept that and keep telling myself that this isn’t me thinking these things and feeling these feelings, it’s just the illness I have. A chemical imbalance in my brain that is screwing my thoughts and emotions.
I am feeling SO much better now. I was put on anti-depressants by my doctor which took a couple of weeks to start to working which was a great relief – I’d been told up to 6 weeks. They made me more panicky and stressed in the first few days though which was hard to deal with but I just woke up one morning feeling, well normal. It was a bit weird as we’d had a bad night with C and if that had happened the day before, I’d have felt dreadful. Instead I sat through the morning thinking “I feel quite positive” and since, I’ve started to be able to relax and enjoy spending time with C. He’s the best thing ever now and I am so glad of it. I just wish I could re-visit the first days but feel like this instead of how I did feel but no point dwelling on that. It's enough that i can now be as in love with my boy as i expected to be from the start.
Things that have helped me:
Well the anti-depressants obviously.
N has been brilliant. 100% supportive, definitely above and beyond the call of duty. He’s done all the cooking, cleaning and washing and helped out lots with C. He does most of the nappy changes and also a couple of feeds a day, including the 2 am one. He keeps me calm and dispenses hugs when I need it. He also packs me off to bed when I’m exhausted.
Healing physically – looking back, I was incredibly sore the first 3 weeks from the Caesarean. I didn’t realise it at the time.
Telling myself that I was ill, that all of these things were not really me.
Accepting my limits: it’s ok that I wasn’t excited about C’s arrival, it was ok that I couldn’t cope with all of his care 24/7, it’s ok that I felt awful about the birth. I’d had a hard time and have to let my body and mind heal. I am not sure I am 100% there yet, I am mostly dealing with things by not thinking about what happened when he was born and all the attendant humiliations and violations which is getting me through just now but obviously not a long term solution.
My medical care. They didn’t laugh at me or tell me to pull myself together or tell me that I was being silly and over reacting. They took me very seriously, listened sympathetically, got help in quickly and have been pro-active about suggesting things that might help me. The doctor who gave me my “plan” took a huge weight off my mind, if only because she was promising more support in terms of signing N off work for a while and promising several good nights sleep by giving me 7 Temazepam. They’ve been totally and utterly brilliant and I intend to write a long letter of praise to N H S H ighland before I leave here.
Getting out the house at least twice a day – we go for a walk once and usually into town once
Returning to driving which I’ve missed dreadfully and making time for other “me” things such as being on here and reading
Getting a good night routine going so I am getting more sleep – we split the night into 2 shifts. N does the first one and I go to bed in the spare room, he wakes me at 4/5/6 or whenever C wakes for his 2nd feed and we swap. I feed and look after C and he goes into the spare room to sleep. It works for us!
So life is getting easier though I am certain that it’s not there yet. There’s still room for improvement! In the long run, I’ve been recommended to get Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but I’m not ready for it yet.
What happened to me was a result of a combination of things – my birth experience and physical aftermath, a horrendous few days in hospital, the sudden responsibility of looking after someone so tiny who is entirely dependent on you, ongoing stress about N’s job and where we were going to end up and, I guess, just my general disposition.
I’ve always been, well, depressive is the word I suppose. I’ve gone through several low periods in the past some of which probably needed treatment but which didn’t get any and even at my best, I am a compulsive worrier with a massive guilt and “I’m not good enough” complex. So it was kinda inevitable really, even if I was the last person to expect it!
I’m also high risk for PND in the first place – older mother used to running her life as she pleases and being in control, also a high-achiever with high expectations of what it would be like.
I am lucky I think in that I knew straight away that things weren’t right and N made me do something about it but even then, it was SO hard opening up and telling someone how I felt. In fact it was more than just one someone, I had to tell the midwife, the health visitor and 2 doctors as I changed from one doctor to another in the same practice. It was hard but it has helped enormously.
I hope this helps anyone reading who may feel the same way and I’d encourage anyone feeling anything like me to speak to someone asap. It’s hard to do but ignoring it doesn’t go away!!
I have a bit of a gripe about the fact that antenatal classes in no way prepare you for what might hit you after birth in terms of just normal reactions to being a mummy, never mind post natal depression. I guess they don’t want to scare people but still, I always think it’s better to know what you might face than not.
Anyway, I’ll shut up now. This is already WAY longer than I’d intended to write!
Post Natal Depression
Vodka - cheaper than botox and paralyses more muscles 
William Robert born 21st Dec06
well done, that was a very brave post,
Emma 
born on 28th Jan 2008
when I kiss you goodnight I will 
Tied the knot - 23rd April 2005 
& 
- March 22nd 2006 Our family is now complete.
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