Yesterday I was thinking. I am a lucky person, I have a host of great friends who are always there for me. Most of them are you! But in Kirsty, and Marie, I have been lucky enough to make great friends, on my doorstep, who are there for me every step of the way. And I MISS Kirsty. I miss her already. All day yesterday, i was looking for her, thinking how much she would have enjoyed her party. And I wanted to tell you all what I loved about her, in possibly no particular order, because she deserves some kind of tribute to her goodness. When I look back on the last two and a half years, mostly what I remember is the illness, the upset and the overwhelming urge to murder her husband in cold blood. But looking back on it, I have the best memories, and want to share them with you. So here goes:

1. Me, Ocotber 2003 - frazzled, sleep deprived and with a wailing child unable to feed properly, Staggering into the 'Breast Feeding Cafe', worried sick about the whole experience. Seeing Kirsty and Maire sitting together, and watching them shuffle up, pat a chair and saying "Come and sit here, with us".

2. Paddling up and down the Conons swimming pool, comparing weight and moaning about it. Taking it in turns to be called out of said pool because our kids were kicking off in the creche. Giving up and having toast and coffee instead!

3. George's first birthday: a photo. My front room in packed. George is baffled by all the attention. Steph is helping him to open his presents. In the background is Kirsty: fit, healthy, beautiful hair. Smiling at my boy with a look of real love. I LIKE other people's children but can't imagine ever looking like that at one of them.

4. Christmas present for George: blue pram. How long did she have to search to find a non-girly one for him?

5. Text message, Feb 22nd 2005: how many of you can say you've chatted for hours on the phone while your best friend's waters break down her toilet and she waits for her waster of a husband to come home to take her to hospital? Two hours later: Ewan P incock enters the world.

6. 20th March 2005. When George was born the only visitors I got were family. When Leo was born I was sitting in the hospital when in marched Kirsty, Marie and Trish in quick succession: all admiring my son and all bearing gifts. Kirsty, you bugger, you never did finish that tapestry for me.

7. Oh, the endless walks. the pushing of prams, with two kids each. the meeting in the play cafe every day for lunch. What does one DO on maternity leave without such good friends?

8. Steph. I don't like teenagers; I love Steph.

9. A time when I went to a Dark Place. I always call it that. I refuse to believe it was PND cos that sounds more serious. But when you are in a dark place, what better than your two best friends, appearing with a bag full of stuff? none of us with two ha'pennies to rub together; they produced two candles and some bath oil from the Sanctuary (from a gift set someone had given one of them), a wooly jumper on the grounds that I like them, and a quarter of sweets from the sweet shop on Crowhill - proper ones, from a jar.

10. Danish Pastries. With raisins and icing. The first time I went to town with Kirsty, we both had one. The last week I saw her, she had one on a plate.

11. She never missed a birthday. Not even Leo's third, when she was at the hospice. She came out in the afternoon to be there. And every time, she lifted off her wig cos George liked it.

12. Christmas Eve. Kirsty at home alone, in the dark, depressed. George hugged her. her whole being lit up. She was a good and loving person.

Yesterday I creid and cried in that church, and at the crem, and felt guilty because I wasn't her mother, her sister, her father or her child. I felt I had no right to cry like that. But you know what? she was the best sort of friend a person could have and from what she said in her magazine, and her farewell letter, she felt the same about me and Marie. Her friend Ali said to yesterday "Oh, she talked about you two ALL the time!". And that made me think - it probably IS okay to be grieving like this, cos I loved her. And in this age, when we often live so far away from biological family, she and Maire ARE my family. And I love them for that!

N xxx

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Nikki and Nick married 14/12/02 - well, still true but let's hope for an end date too, shall we?
George Nicholas Smith born 23.9.03
Leo Philip Smith born 20.3.05

"Help!" said Eddy
"I'm scared already.
I want my bed
I want my teddy"



http://www.myspace.com/nikki_i_like_shoes

Nikki you forot the shower scene you dripping wet and Kirsty giggling like a nutter.

Looking at houses when she was moving the first time, all ther ones we found we found something wrong with them.

Shopping for a dress for a wedding with her - he kept finding things that would have looked great in a brothel.

Comparing our jugs to Jordans and deciding ours were bigger.

Gossiping sessions - could we gossip.

The last Samuri

Friday nights in the pub

And right to the end - she always stood in the flaming way.

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Sitting here at having read that Nikki.

The more you talk about her, the more real she will seem to her younger children.

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The IVF worked!!! William Robert born 21st Dec06www.picturetrail.com/jonathansel

oh god nikki I too am absolutely bawling reading that

I think the feeling was deffinately mutual with yourself and marie from reading this weeks article

take care hun and remember were always here if you need us so no going back to the dark place

love to you both kirsty really was a lucky woman to have had 2 such special friends in her life and both you and marie im sure will be there for her kids to relive your memories of her

love
c
xx

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