I'm so p***ed off! - long - Wedding Forum

Hels · #1 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 06:51 AM

AM I UNREASONABLE??

My husband had a job interview yesterday and then went to pick a mutual friend up about a 3 hour drive away. He stayed overnight and said he would be home about midday today, he had been asking me previously what i wanted to do today so obviously I assumed we would be doing something. Anyway, our mutual friend texts me saying they had been out boozing last night (I have to let him celebrate as he just got a new job) and would I be around later cos he would like to c me. Turns out they weren't planning on coming back till about 3, so I would have waited at home and wasted the day.

Tomorrow they are going mountain biking and husband won't be home till late Saturday (he'd have gone all weekend if I hadn't have put my foot down). So that leaves me on my own Wed, Thur, Fri and Sat of my easter holidays. It is my birthday next week and I have arranged to go for a 1 night stay with my Mum and sister in a health farm, whats the point of staying at home cos HB wouldn't have organised anything for me?

He trains 6 days a week, sometimes in the daytime but always in the evening. At least 1 day of the weekend he goes out for about 4 hours training. He does:

Monday - off (but not home from work till approx 7.30pm
Tuesday - running 6.30 - 8.30
Wednesday - running 6.45 - 8.15 (little drink afterwards in bar)
Thursday - Running 6.30 - 8.30
Friday - Swimming 4.45 - 6.15
Saturday - Cycling or mountain biking (approx 4 hours)
Sunday - swimming 7 - 9, and occasionally running in the morning for 3 hours

These hours include travelling time, but sometimes he will go straight there from work. When I complain about him being out all the time he thinks I am just trying to ruin his fun and I don't like him to have a good time - that I am unreasonable. It is like he is addicted to exercise, I just feel like I take second place to it all.
He has just phoned me as I type to say that he is leaving now to come home so will be home around 2 so we can do something. But the damage is already done, I am in such a bad mood and upset that I really don't think I am good company and I don't want him to think I am spoiling his fun again! I told him that I am not in a good mood so just come home when he is ready - I have probably just cut my nose off to spite my face as he might not come home till late but I am seething!

What do I have to look forward to over the next few days? Most people/friends will be spending time with their families, but not me. I am at home looking after the dog living in a place where most of my family and friends are 120 miles away.

P.S - on his calender he has lots of triathlons written in over the next few weekends which will take up most of the day, on two days he has 'H time' i.e. time for me written in, he doesn't even have my birthday on there. When I asked him why there were only 2 days for me, he said so he didn't forget and organise something elsee, but there are other days for me which are free with nothing written on them. Also, if I go to see my family on the weekend, we always have to make sure we are back in time for his swimming on a Sunday too.

Heather · #2 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:20 AM

Just wanted to send you a

Have been there, done it, & got several of the t-shirts!!

Up until we moved in February, our calendar has looked very similar............. in fact since we moved last time back in June 2004 we've had weeks/days/evenings blocked out for so many things that have been Matt's!

Ok it's slightly different for me as I am married to the army and sadly that does come first over me (I knew that when I married him) BUT since coming back from Iraq just over a year ago Matt's hobby of canoeing took a turn for the worst, not only was he paddling socially at the local canoe club we both joined, but he started paddling for the unit he was posted to and then also for the army!

I've had numerous weeks/weekends where I've been home alone with just the dog & the computer for company,(My mum & friends all live miles away) and have tried on several occasions to put my foot down, even when he had a bad back, but there was always a "good reason" why he had to do it.
If Matt had got his way, and his partner hadn't gone to Bosnia for 6 months, and then after a few weeks leave gone to Iraq for another 6 months I'd still be a paddling widow, with a new baby in tow as well as they had planned to do the Devizes to Westminster marathon!

I don't think you're being unreasonable........... but I don't know what to suggest as to how to make things "better" or what compromises to suggest so he still gets his triathlong training done, gets "his" time and also you get the more important time together!

Thinking of you though, and I'm sure neither of us are alone and other's are going through or have gone through similar things!

H

bron · #3 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:25 AM

from me too
Steves away most weekends in the summer then workd weekdays. Drives me potty but I've given up cos I just sound like a nagging cow and don't get anywhere anyway

Laurie · #4 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:25 AM

Oh dear, it sounds like you need to sit down when you're both calm and relaxed and talk about things. You are feeling neglected, stuck in a place where you don't know anyone.

It's a shame you don't have anyone nearby that you could go to see this afternoon and just sod him. Let him know that you're not to be taken for granted and that he has to continue working at your relationship. Taking each other (or one party) for granted is the pits and needs a wake up call before the resentment builds up to mammoth proportions.

In the meantime, get yourself a hobby and get out more. Show him that you have things to do as well and that you're not at his beck and call.

mistleuk · #5 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

Just wanted to send you a

I don't think you're being unreasonable........... but I don't know what to suggest as to how to make things "better" or what compromises to suggest so he still gets his triathlong training done, gets "his" time and also you get the more important time together!

Not sure what to suggest really, i agree with heather above but just wanted to send you a

Hope you manage to sort it out
em

bron · #6 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:28 AM

Yeah Lauries idea of a hobby sounds a good one, that way youre not away for the night. Know the feeling of being left home holding the 'dog'

Laurie · #7 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:31 AM

I used to be a rugby widow with my ex-husband so I got involved with other things and did activities on my own and became much more independent and a lot happier too.

Copperhead · #8 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:35 AM

Ang · #9 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:39 AM

I was there with my ex. I came a very poor second to rugby, work, mates, the gym, his dad etc etc. He worked away all week and so we only ever had weekends but he had too much other stuff to cram into them to be able to fit me in. After so long of sitting waiting to come first I realised it was up to me to put me first and I got my own interests and made my own weekend plans with friends. It didn't always go down too well when he had nothing else to do but it did make him sit up a bit and think about what he was doing. Hope you can get something sorted out.

Libby · #10 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:52 AM

I am not sure what to suggest, but i wanted to give you

Libby

Teresa · #11 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:54 AM

Its a shame that you don't have anyone near by that you can meet up with. Laurie's idea of getting a hobby is a good one and will help you to make some friends. Is there anything that you would like to do?

Hope you can sort it out.

Hels · #12 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:57 AM

OK I typed a long reply and lost if - but the jist of it was:
Heather - shame you don't live near me we could be sports widows together
Bron - I feel like a nagging wife too and find it hard to be nice when I am like this.
Laurie - We used to live 15 miles away and I went to 3 dance classes a week, the gym and swimming. He even asked me to stay home some nights because he had a taste of his own medicine, but I wouldn't because I knew he wouldn't do it for me. Because he does so much now it would be difficult to go out when he is at home because he is out virtually every evening. Also, I will leave the dog for an evening or daytime but not both cos it isn't fair on him so that makes things awkward too.
Sometimes on a Thursday after his running I go for a drink with him and his friends, his friends tell me that they tell him all the time he should spend more time with me - but he doesn't listen.
I have started Aqua Aerobics on a Wednesday, but it is the same time as his running so he doesn't even notice I'm gone.
I have been so annoyed that I even thought about researching 'divorce' on the internet today, but I love him and know that isn't really what I want. I just don't understand why he doesn't want to spend more time with me. I also want to try for a baby next year and I am worried that at this rate I will literally be left 'holding the baby' and have no life at all...

Need to snap out of this mood as I am wasting my holidays feeling upset.
Anyway, thanks for all your suggestions, glad to see I am not the only one who has gone through something like this.
x

wendyprichard · #13 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 07:59 AM

only one thing for it! take up training to and go every evening with him. Even if you don't do it competitivly it will be good for your health and its fun getting swetty togeather

Hels · #14 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 08:00 AM

p.s. I do have some nice friends about 15 miles away but they are both very busy with new babies, and I also have a friend about 30 miles away but she is doing her finals to become a Doctor. Could go back home to visit family but they will ask me how HB is and sense I am upset and that will make me feel worse.
Have just started doing some painting to take my mind of things - very therapeutic. Painted the front door yesterday and had to go out, it dried shut and husband couldn't get in haha!

Hels · #15 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wendyprichard

only one thing for it! take up training to and go every evening with him. Even if you don't do it competitivly it will be good for your health and its fun getting swetty togeather

He has said about me training with him, but he sees women out jogging and says things like 'look at that fatty, she won't get fit going at that pace'! They are usually jogging at the pace I go at so that is not very encouraging for me. I was always more academic than sporty, 70 mile bike rides and hours of running really don't appeal to me. I do go for a couple of miles here and there but that's about it. As for swimming, I would gladly do it but he goes to club sessions where they are all really good, and I would just be sooo cr*p next to them, I am so embarassed.

Heather · #16 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nearly a Mrs!

p.s. I do have some nice friends about 15 miles away but they are both very busy with new babies, and I also have a friend about 30 miles away but she is doing her finals to become a Doctor.

It may sound strange, but get in contact with them, find out if there's anything they could do with....... or maybe just arrange to meet up, after all I'm sure the new mum's could do with some "adult" company & conversation. If someone phoned and offered to visit armed with chocolate cake and adult conversation I'd be leaping for joy!!

Your other friend, although she's doing her finals I bet even knowing that you're thinking of her she would appreciate it, who knows she might even fancy a break from work & studying!!

H

bron · #17 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 08:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nearly a Mrs!

Have just started doing some painting to take my mind of things - very therapeutic. Painted the front door yesterday and had to go out, it dried shut and husband couldn't get in haha!

cariad · #18 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 08:24 AM

I'd still be tempted to sit & have a talk to him - try to ascertain why he married you if it wasn't to be with you - that you are feeling hurt that he doesn't want to spend time with you. Try to keep the conversation "I feel" or "I think" rather than "you don't" etc...it's all well & good having your own plans (and I encourage that), but being out of the house when he is home to spite him isn't going to achieve anything - actions made from bitterness only drive a wedge further between you.

Sorry I can't offer any other advice...

Mrs G xx

nikki · #19 (**permalink**) 13-04-2006, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bron

from me too
Steves away most weekends in the summer then workd weekdays. Drives me potty but I've given up cos I just sound like a nagging cow and don't get anywhere anyway

thing is, you DON'T sound like a nagging cow and neither does anyone else in this situation - it's actually unfair of partners not to spend more time with their families, I think. I am the first to 'nag' when Nick decides to try and take the day off from his kids by sneaking upstairs, let alone spending whole weekends away. You are not the one being unreasonable and any suggestion that you are nagging is unfounded and emotionally blackmailing IMHO. Not that that's personally directed at your situation, B - in any situation that's similar.

N xxx