Ooooh new bit I didn't know about this bit but excellent idea. Well I've been there twice so know a little bit about how it feels although I ended up in the situation for different reasons to you. First time was a violent husband and second time a control freak that I should never have married in the first place and who I found out after had been cheating on me. That one's way too complicated to even think about discussing but it messed my head up a fair bit. As daft as it sounds emotional cruelty is worse in many ways than physical. With phsyical that's drink related to a point you know when to read the signs and can work to avoiding the situations as much as possible. With emotional the signs aren't always as obvious and so you can't always avoid the shit that comes with that and half the time it comes out of the blue as it did with you.
The one thing all of it has is that you end up taking fears into a new relationship. I remember someone telling me when I split with my first husband that I'd take fears of violence into the next relationship I had. I didn't agree but sure enough she was right. The first time there was a cross word I automatically cowered and then to stop myself being the one that got hurt I'd verbally have a go first I think to try and assert myself as the dominant partner.
What I've been left with from my second marriage is insecurity. I was a size 10 -12 when I was with him and he constantly told me I was too fat and that if I could just lose some weight and take a pride in myself he'd be able to treat me to new clothes etc. I actually went down to about 8 1/2 stone which is way too tiny for me but was convinced I was too big because he was so convincing. Then when I ended up on HRT and the weight started to pile on he just refused to take me out in public. He was too embarrased to be seen with me. When I was with him I felt that I had to have a manicure, eyebrows done every week, hair colour was every three week I ended up so high maintenance it was unbelieveable. I never left the house unless I was immaculately made up because I truly believed I was a mess otherwise. When I started seeing Brian I was like that in fact he said one of his first thoughts were I wore way too much make up that I just didn't need. Gradually I've become a little more secure in myself and the manicures and three weekly hairdressing trips have gone.
There are times when I must drive my Brian mad with my insecurities though. Like today for example I've piled a stone on in weight - most of it fluid from my two weeks of extra doseage HRT. It's made me feel a great big fat unattractive mess and I've sat and cried today wondering what the hell he sees in me. Finding out that even though I took such care with how I looked yet my ex was still seeing other women means that when I'm feeling low it stands to reason that no man is going to want to stay with me when I weigh stones more than I did and I've let myself go. I haven't really but when I'm feeling low I think along those lines. We very rarely argue but the few times there's been words I feel 100% safe in the knowledge he'll never lay a finger on me but if he raises his voice I don't cower anymore I yell back and then run which always makes us both laugh and seems to nip it in the bud.
With you what you'll take into a new relationship is a lack of trust. As much as you want to trust the person those insecurities will be there and they will surface from time to time. Everytime he's later than he says or his phone might be in an area where there's no reception I guarantee you your mind will go into overdrive and then when there's a simple explanation you'll hate yourself for it. Jealousy is a terrible emotion but it comes into play when someone's cheated on you and it takes over. Looking back I'd say that I'd have benefited from counselling both times my marriages ended mainly to get those demons out and stop me taking them into future relationships. My second husband fetched his own problems with him. His first fiancee had cheated on him and so he was convinced I'd do the same. He constantly accused me of it and been on the receiving end of that wears you down so much. I suppose because he'd been cheated on that's where his controlling nature came from or maybe she cheated to get away from that who knows. All I know is that to be on the receiving end of it was awful which is why I try so hard to keep my insecurities in perspective and not let them take over.
The other thing that is harder than you expect it to be is when the divorce comes through and then anniversaries. I was the one that wanted out of both my marriages yet the sadness when my first divorce came through and on anniversaries was so strong it took me by surprise. A woman I know who's had four failed marriages explained to me that its a sense of failure that makes you feel like that. Even though it's not your fault you feel like you've failed. It's not that you want to be with them anymore and you can be as happy as larry in any new relationship but that feeling of being a failure is awful. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here but I'm sure Laurie will back me up about this. I'm glad to say it does get easier though but do be prepared for it.
I think I'm rambled enough now so I'll shut up other than to say I wish you all the luck in the world as you start out afresh. Have some time on your own, play the field if you fancy it and then one day hopefully you'll find yourself a nice fella and get yourself back over to wedding planning
Well so here i am starting over!
Vodka - cheaper than botox and paralyses more muscles 
Linear Mode
