landed back down to earth with a bump - Wedding Forum

Taz · #1 (**permalink**) 05-11-2005, 10:45 AM

Well today my life sucks - last night was awful, i came home upset and with the realization that i am not ready to "date" anyone at the moment. I am still hung up with Dave and at this moment nothing is changing that. It will help when i move out but i have cried so much last night and today it is unreal. I feel that i have gone full circle and am back where i was 2 months ago..

I have removed myself from any web sites that i was on. I need to realise that this will take time and not be easy. I think that i have been kidding myself that i was doing well and had accepted that he was still seeing her. I discovered that he has introduced the kids to her and then told them not to say anything to me as so to "protect" me were his words..

I feel so low and depressed, i am not eating properley and have dropped a few pounds again in so many days. which is not good.

I am finding it hard to be on my own but i need to accept that i HAVE to be on my own for the next 6 months at least until i am ready to face the world as a sungle person.

It doesn't help that Dave still says that he thinks that he has made a mistake and wants me back but thinks that we have gone too far after the split and then trogs off to her house.

I am devestated by everything that has happened and am struggling to acept that it is over and things will never be the same again.

I miss him so much and still look through his stuff and smell his T shirts just to smell him. Which is sad..

Maybe i need counselling i have not got a clue all i know is that i want to go and curl up in a hole and not come out again.

Staying in tonight with the cats as they don't like Fireworks while he has taken the kids to her house for a Fireworks thing..

I have depressed you all again now if i had a journal this would be in there but i don't so i am sorry girls yet again.

Clare x

bron · #2 (**permalink**) 05-11-2005, 10:56 AM

If you want counselling go for it. It may be good to talk to a nonenity as it were.
Hes an arse for saying things like that to you, and a shitty person for putting his own children in such a situation.
It just shows you are human and you had so much love for him. Something you should have for a marriage. You will go on to have loving relationship/s and he will dig his own hole yet again.
And stop bloody apologising

thats what these threads are here for

Lady Rools · #3 (**permalink**) 05-11-2005, 11:30 AM

Ahh Claire love I am so feeling for you. Starting again and splitting up with someone is so heart rippingly painful at the best of times, and you are dealing with the crap situation of 'the other woman' on top of your heartbreak already. Its only been one or two months and you still 'live' together, this is so so hard for you, no wonder you feel so upset and down.

Your life is not crap, it's just shit at the moment because of the circumstances you are in. Once you move out, and get a chance to wash that man out of your hair, your clothes, your everyday life and eventually you will get to a point where you go a whole day and don't think about him once, then you'll realise and get a jolt in your tummy and realise you are finally over him.

He's a bastard for confusing his kids and then confusing you by the 'i think i want you back' conversation.

Thinking of you x

Niddy · #4 (**permalink**) 05-11-2005, 12:19 PM

I don't really know what to say babe, but wanted you to know we're all here so stop apologising because you have every right to feel this way.

I was just listening to this song...It seemed apt

Are you swimming upstream in oceans of blue?
Do you feel like your sinking?
Are you sick of the rain after all you've been through?
Well I know what you're thinking
When you can't take it
You can make it
Sometime soon I know you'll see

'cause when your in you're darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on and be strong

Where taking each step one day at a time
You can't loose your spirit
Let live and let live forget and forgive
It's all how you see it
And just remember keep it together
Don't you know you're never alone

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on, and be strong

No you're not defeated
And soon you'll be smiling once again
Then you won't have to feel it
Let it go with the wind
Time passes us by
And know that you're allowed to cry

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on and be strong

Huggggs
Nic
xxxxx

Ang · #5 (**permalink**) 05-11-2005, 12:25 PM

Claire love it will get easier I promise you but the hard times unfortunately are all part and parcel of it. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to move on while you're still in the same house. If he had anything at all about him he'd leave the house for you to live in until it's sold. But then we know he's got nothing about him because that's why you're in this situation.

Counselling would probably help but I don't know if you'd find that more helpful once you're not living in the same house. There again once you're not in the same house you might not feel the need for it because you'll be able to move on. At the moment it must feel like you're in limbo.

I really feel for you with all this. The man is a first class arsehole and involving his kids in the way he has done is bang out of order. You've tried the dating thing and have realised it's too soon. Well done to you for being able to admit that. Take time to get you right and then everything else, meeting new people, dating, relationships will all come in their own good time when you're more able to deal with them.

Copperhead · #6 (**permalink**) 05-11-2005, 01:00 PM

I can't add to what the others have written so eloquently but just wanted you to know that i am thinking about you.

More and more his behaviour seems to be proving that he's a first class bastard and you're well shot of him. Things WILL get better, especially once you move out. Hang in there!

vickilewis · #7 (**permalink**) 05-11-2005, 01:28 PM

oh clare...its heartbreaking what you're going through but in the not so distant uture you'll look back and see just how very far you've come. However I really think that until you aren't in the same house and living together in the same routines etc as before you can't start to heal.

I remember once telling a good friend I wouldn't wake up each day if it weren't for charlie - and he said 'yeah charlie's a brilliant reason to not give up...but you know what? the best reason of all is you. You are amazing and it will get better.' I hung on to that every blue day for a very long time.

You aren't alone Clare. More of us have been through this than you realise and we are ALWAYS here for a rant/chat/wail/shout. All you have to do is ask and we'll come a'running.

Honey you'll wake up tomorrow and it'll hurt, and the next day but then one day you'll realise the first thing that runs through your head isn't where he is and what he's doing. But 'god i had a fun night' or 'bugger im late for work' and thats when you'll nkow it starts getting better. Don't be angry with yourself for that not having happened yet - it shouldn't, he was your husband and you love him...give it time.

and love xxxxxx

Tulip · #8 (**permalink**) 05-11-2005, 02:32 PM

Thinking of you.

xx

brenbaby7 · #9 (**permalink**) 06-11-2005, 08:45 AM

Claire. I know this is a very hard time in your life but trust me - you will get throughit.
I was in the same situation like you - apart from we didnt have any children - and wastnt married -but thats another story. We still lived together for 10 years and he pissed off at weekends - that was the hardest part - once the split finaly comes then it gets easier. I wont lie - it will still hurt for a while but its the beginning of your new life.
It took me ages to let another guy get close to me and after a few false starts i have found the man i am going to marry.
I know you may find it hard hun but anytime you want to chat or just rant you can pm me - i know we dont know each other but sometimes that is a good thing.
Tke care big hug
Bren

Laurie · #10 (**permalink**) 06-11-2005, 09:21 AM

Sorry Clare, I didn't see this yesterday

You need time to grieve, after all, the relationship that was your whole world has recently died. You are still living in limbo by sharing the house and seeing each other every day, which means you can't yet take that next step. Your life has been put on hold and you are simply existing every day as opposed to living each day.

Maybe you should ask Dave to move out until the sale has gone through so that you can try to come to terms with what has happened. You need to ask him not to flaunt his new relationship in front of you as you are finding it very difficult.

Smelling his shirts is unhealthy and will do more harm than good. You need to learn to let go of him and all that was part of him. Again, this is impossible whilst you are still living in the same house.

Sit down and write some personal targets for yourself for the next 6 months/a year, challenge yourself to do new and exciting things. Start with little things and build them up, give yourself something to work towards, e.g.

- Go to the cinema on your own
- Go to dinner on your own
- Go on a daytrip to somewhere you've always wanted to go
- Go away for a weekend on your own and do some sightseeing
- Learn a new skill e.g. classes at nightschool (car mechanics, cooking, GCSE etc) or to play a musical instrument
- Buy yourself a new outfit that fits you perfectly and makes you feel gorgeous
- Go on holiday by yourself for a week taking all your favourite books so that you can do exactly as you please without having to think about anybody else
- Have a clear out of all the clothes that don't fit or flatter you anymore
- Get your hair done in a new style or add highlights, again to boost your confidence
- Smile or greet every person you pass in the street
- Go to the library and get all the books you've always wanted to read but never found time
- Go to the video shop and get a load of your favourite girly feel-good films
- Visit a different friend every month or so

Basically, you need to throw yourself into new things. Give yourself new interests along with things to help pass the time. Don't try looking for a replacement partner but similarly don't go to the other extreme and go on a bender shagging any fella that will have you. Both will leave you feeling empty and used.

Go out and enjoy yourself, flirt with the fellas and let your confidence grow. Feel the power from saying "no" and going home to your favourite teddy bear.

Learn all about you, who you are, what lessons you have learned, who you want to be, what you want from life. Learn to be independent and strong within yourself.

Starting again is not easy, it takes time and effort and courage. But when you get there, it's the most exhilarating feeling that you have faced something awful, you've won, and you feel a better person for it.

Thinking of you...

Lauz
x

(PM me if you want my phone numbers and email address etc. I'll always try and help whenever I can)

KarenE · #11 (**permalink**) 06-11-2005, 11:31 AM

Nothing different to say - you WILL get through this, but it won't happen overnight.

Move out as soon as you can.

nikki · #12 (**permalink**) 06-11-2005, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Taz

It doesn't help that Dave still says that he thinks that he has made a mistake and wants me back but thinks that we have gone too far after the split and then trogs off to her house.

:

Not a great deal to add except TWAT TWAT TWAT (excuse me, sensitive people, but let's face it....)

And one other thing - when V split with Chris I remember her telling me how she went to the pub with a book once while he had Charlie, and had a glass of wine and a sarnie, and read her book - and I remember thinking, yes, THAT is such a little thing, but it's a step back towards being your own person and livng for yourself. It is SO hard to function when this happens to you, but you ARE doing well, despite what you think. Little steps, that's what you need. Even having a glass of wine in the pub makes a difference.... you keep going love.

N xxx

Sara · #13 (**permalink**) 06-11-2005, 03:26 PM

I really feel for you and what you are going through. Time is a great healer - cliche'd as it sounds it is actually true. This is not something you will get over overnight - but you will get through it and get stronger and stronger in time.

You are doing remarkably well considering the situation. You wouldn't be human if you were able to just switch off you emotions and move on without a care.

I think once you have moved out things will get a lot easier for you.

Thinking of you. x x

Teresa · #14 (**permalink**) 07-11-2005, 04:25 AM

Thinking of you Clare.

KM · #15 (**permalink**) 07-11-2005, 07:04 AM

My sincere thoughts are with you. It is natural what you are feeling right now, even though extremely painful. Time will heal, and you will get through this.

You really need to get out ASAP and please, even though you want to, dont smell his shirts etc, as will only hurt you more in the long run.

I really do feel for you and hope that things get better for you soon.

Lots of love, Karen xxxx

Dawnie · #16 (**permalink**) 07-11-2005, 10:03 AM

Huge hugs for you Claire.

It will take time but you're so going to get to a happier place and much better off without Dave - who no doubt will be facing his third divorce in a few years time.

Men like him never learn Clare. Don't let him f*ck with your head with his 'I want you back' balls. You're better than that!

Liz · #17 (**permalink**) 07-11-2005, 01:03 PM

Nothing more to add, except that I'm thinking of you. xx