Laura I went through this with my first husband. He still lived in the village and when we first split up he couldn't have been a better dad. He had both the kids every weekend and a couple of nights a week for tea. In fact some days he'd ring and tell me not to go up to the school and that he'd pick the kids up and fetch them home. He saw them loads and paid maintenance to me. Then he dropped it to every other weekend so he could start going out and meeting people and he met the woman who was to become his second wife.
At first things stayed the same he was still having them and in fact she encouraged him to I don't know I think they had this lets play happy families idea in their head and he trheatened to go for custody as he could offer the kids a stable home life as he had a partner. Forget the fact that the marriage broke down cos he beat me up in front of the kids he believed he could offer a happier home life.
But then the maintenance stopped, she got fed up of having the kids there on weekends and for tea and so he just stopped turning up for them. Leanne didn't want to go anyway but Andrew waited every time his dad was due for him to come and get him. I can still fill up now when I think of him sitting looking out of the window saying will he come today mum. Then one day Andrews friends asked him to go swimming and he was so undecided in case his dad came. Bearing in mind he hadn't been for weeks I told him to go. Later that day his dad was on his way home from work and was taking a shortcut down our street. Leanne saw him, thought he was coming for Andrew and so told him he'd gone swimming but would be back soon and so he got really huffy. Andrew got in not long after, Leanne told him his dad had been and he was so upset. As he hand't actually come to the door I'd twigged he was taking the shortcut but Andrew rung him and told him he'd just missed him and he could be there for his tea in five minutes. That's when his dad had to say he hadn't been coming for him and that's the point at which Andrew knew his dad didn't want to know.
He always remembered birthdays and Christmas and would either knock at the door with presents or post cards and money through the letterbox until he split with the second wife.
Once again he was back wanting to know his kids and so they gave him a chance. After a few weeks he started seeing a woman who's daughter was Leannes friend and within weeks had moved in with her. The same pattern followed where he cut off contact with the kids until again. That really hurt Leanne as this girl was her best friend at the time and all of a sudden her dad was playing dad to her friend and sisters while cutting her off. In fact she ended up not having anything to do with her friend as she found it so hard it was easier not to have any contact. He split with that woman and came back. This time last year he was all over the kids, taking them out for lunch, ringing them etc. And then in the new year he started seeing someone else, introduced her to the kids and then slowly cut off contact again. He's engaged to this one and texted them to his engagement/40th birthday party a few week ago and neither of them went.
Like you I've felt awful for my kids like I'd let them down but I know realistically it's not my fault. I've always been here for them, they've always come first yet still I've wondered what I could have done to change things. There's nothing I could have done. He chose to do what he did and so he's lost out seeing the kids grow up and being part of their life. I always reminded them every year that it was his birthday coming up and I always asked did they want to send a fathers day card and Christmas presents. They always made their own minds up and as time went on they said no. They did send him one this year for his 40th but only because he'd invited them to the party and they felt it would be polite to ackowledge the fact that they'd been invited.
It has been hard for the kids especially as he's always lived in the village and so they've had to see him going about his daily business but I think they've grown up ok. Leanne considers her step dad - my awkward ex to be her dad as he was the main fella in her life from when she was almost five. Andrew the one who was most hurt by his dad has turned out a brilliant lad who'll tell anyone who'll listen that he's turned out the way he has thanks to me fetching him up on my own and doing such a bloody good job. When I hear him saying that then I know I've got nothing at all to reproach myself for and I'm grateful that he hasn't let his dads actions get to him.
God I'm rambled on some there
The most you can do is be there for your son. As angry as you get about him letting him down never bad mouth his dad in front of him - call him from a pig to a dog and back again when he's not listening! Make sure he knows that it's not his fault his dad's letting him down - I did that with mine but never made excuses for their dad. It was up to him to make excuses and as much as I never bad mouthed him in front of the kids, at the same time I wasn't going to big him up and make his excuses for him. It's not easy and I so feel for you at the moment. I've sat and cried many a time for my kids and how let down they've been but like I say they got through it and the only person who's lost out long term is their dad.
Kids and seperation
Vodka - cheaper than botox and paralyses more muscles 
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