Bit of a stumbling block - Wedding Forum

Lady Rools · #1 (**permalink**) 19-04-2003, 01:10 PM

Hello Everyone, I need some advice as we have hit a bit of a stumbling block.

AS you know I am a catholic and H2B isn't anything, and he actually doesn't like religion. We got Annabel baptised a catholic and he went along with it as he knew this was what I wanted and what my mum and dad wanted...but quote "he hated every second of standing up in front of 100 strangers and telling lies'

He doesn't believe in God and has said that he won't have a catholic wedding as it would feel so wrong. This only happened last night when we were both tipsy and saying how we felt...he said that God won't be marrying us..we are marrying each other because we want to and not because God said so.

I can see his points and totally take them on board but I think seeing as I have beliefs and a religion and he doesn't then we should go with what I want...but he said that his beliefs are just as important.

Now, don't get me wrong...I would marry him in a shed with Elvis as the vicar as I love him and want to marry him...but my family will fall out with me in a big way if it's not catholic....and I have always dreamed of walking up the aisle in St Chad's Cathedral since I was a little girl....I want the whole aisle in a church thing and not the registry office or civil thing. H2B has said he would prefer a humanitarian wedding.

Dilemma and a half...

Any thoughts any one?

gillifish · #2 (**permalink**) 19-04-2003, 01:21 PM

Can you not do both?? As Humanitarian weddings are not legally recognised could you not have the Catholic ceremony first (the legal bit) and then organise to have a Humanitarian blessing afterwards? That way you get to do it twice during the day, you both get to have what you want and possibly say things in the blessing that you wouldn't have been able to say in the Catholic bit....

Just a thought, I'm not religious at all, neither is Dan, so we're having a civil do and doing the whole aisle thing with most of the tradition (with a twist!)

I hope you can come to a compromise

Gilli

Heather · #3 (**permalink**) 19-04-2003, 01:25 PM

On the same thread as a "compromise" but going in reverse from Gillis....... you could always have a "Civil" wedding ceremony and then have a Catholic blessing?

I know of people who have done this....... for very similar reasons. Both weddings were made special.

I agree that it's a massive dillema & don't envy being in your shoes!
Good luck with it, but don't forget at the end of the day you're marrying Rob because you love him & he loves you, not because "your parents want you to" etc etc etc

Good Luck!

H

nikki · #4 (**permalink**) 19-04-2003, 02:11 PM

Both definitely seems like the answer to me - that way, both of your beliefs are being respected and everybody recognises that the pair of you are trying to make everyone happy.

N xxx

Scotia Rover · #5 (**permalink**) 19-04-2003, 03:36 PM

Hi Rooley. I had much the same problem. I am Catholic (I converted 11 years ago, so none of my family are catholic). H2B is not at all religious but unlike your H2B actually wanted a church wedding as he said he was only doing it once and wanted to do it properly! We talked about it and went to see the priest who was very understanding and agreed we could be married in the church (H2B was baptised as a baby). The problem I had was my family NOT wanting us to marry in a catholic church!
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is I totally understand how you must feel. Talk openly about it and try to compromise so that you are both happy with your plans for your special day. I am sure you can reach an agreement.
Maybe have a chat with your priest about it? They are normally very good suggesting things as they come across these dilemmas quite often.
Laura

Lady Rools · #6 (**permalink**) 20-04-2003, 06:31 AM

They all sound like great idea's but H2B doesn't want anything Catholic at all as he doesn't believe it. I think I am going to have to talk to my family about it and say why we aren't having a catholic wedding...it's not as if they are paying and so get a say as H2B and I are paying for it.

I kind of feel like I have given in to him though which makes me a bit

.....he doesn't actually know yet though that I would go for a civil ceremony as I am hoping he will say 'whatever makes you happy' at the last minute. (he won't as he is too strong minded)

Thanks for the advice...

Heather · #7 (**permalink**) 20-04-2003, 08:10 AM

Just remember one thing though, with the right planning & venue etc you can make a "Civil Ceremony" just as fantastic as a "big church wedding"

It's tough sometimes having to make big decisions like that but at the end of the day as long you're both there to make your commitment to each other that's important!

Good Luck with talking everything through with all the right people!

H

Jacqui · #8 (**permalink**) 21-04-2003, 08:39 AM

Oh you poor thing - what a situation to be in. Do you in your heart want to be married in a catholic church/have a catholic blessing? I understand this as for me I wouldn't feel married unless I have one! I can understand that your h2b wouldn't feel right about having this and I really respect that he is not doing it all for show. but as was said earlier, you also have your belives and they should also be considered in all of this. Trev is always trying to get me to say yes to a civil services but I am sticking to my guns on this one and he knows it is the only way I will marry him...Perhaps I am the reverse of your h2b but as I said, it would not feel right not having God's blessing and he (trev) gets this!!!! forgetting about the dream wedding thing, try to explain what it means to you to have this blessing. Perhaps if he sees that it is not the venue itself and all the frills that go with it, that it is the blessing itself that is important, he may see your side in this. He has already agreed to having his child baptised and I would have thought that this was a bigger deal than a wedding - after all he agreed to have his child part of something that he does not agree with.

"...he said that God won't be marrying us..we are marrying each other because we want to and not because God said so."

thing is regardless of where you marry, you will be marrying because you want to - God didn't say so...unless you are ommiting your one to ones with him! There appears to be aggression here as opposed to just a lack of belive. If this is the case, do you know where it comes from? If you find out if this is the case, you both may be able to some kind of undersanding/compromise for the way forward.

Best of luck to you!!!!!

Love
Jac
xxxx

Lady Rools · #9 (**permalink**) 21-04-2003, 05:05 PM

Hello All

Well, I told Jack exactly how I felt about everything and that he was asking me to give up 25 years of what I knew and what I believed...I also told him that my mum would not want any of her side of the family to come to our wedding if it was not catholic and that she would not want to get involved in the whole wedding planning excitement....he has said that he will have a catholic wedding for me because he loves me as long as I realise just how much a sacrifice this is for him. He wants to talk to the priest (which he will have to anyway) and come to a common agreement as to what the vows will be.....I basically told him I wouldn't feel married unless I had a catholic ceremony which is how I feel.

So yes...with a lot of talking and compromise we came to an agreement and now I feel like I can carry on with being excited and planning as this has been laid to rest. Yay!

Thank you everyone for your advice...just shows, love and talking can get you through most things i guess.

Scotia Rover · #10 (**permalink**) 22-04-2003, 03:31 AM

Rooley thats fab news, I'm so pleased you came to an arrangement.
Laura

roz · #11 (**permalink**) 22-04-2003, 05:10 AM

Our public wedding was broadly "humanist".

We didn't want our marriage to start out as a lie. If I made promises in front of a God I don't believe in then how can they be true promises?

We followed the format of a church service and probably even used some of the words but ultimately, the important thing for us was that it meant something for both of us and neither of us felt compromised. This is a marriage and we're equally responsible for it.

I know that for you the church wedding is important but is it more important than Rob believing in his wedding?

I'm not sure...

I know you've got this sorted but I wouldn't be surprised if you find you need to do lots more soul searching for the two of you before this is concluded....

Heather · #12 (**permalink**) 22-04-2003, 05:28 AM

I'm glad you've had that talk, and have reached an agreement!! Good Luck with the rest of the plans

H

Copperhead · #13 (**permalink**) 22-04-2003, 06:50 AM

I had a Church of Scotland wedding though I've always said that I wouldn't for much the same reason as your man.

The way I ended up looking at it was "well, I am marrying Niall and saying my vows to him and if God wants to look on then that's fine". When it came to it, I didn't even notice the religious element of the service! It all went by in such a blur and in the end, the only person that mattered was Niall!

I'm glad you came to a solution!
Rachael

Bianca · #14 (**permalink**) 22-04-2003, 08:08 AM

I can imagine that must be hard for both of you.

Sounds like you have it sorted now though, which can only be a good thing. It's good you were able to get it all out in the open now, right from the start. Now you both know how the other feels and you can enjoy the planning

nikki · #15 (**permalink**) 22-04-2003, 03:54 PM

I'm really glad he said he would do it for you - when I read this again I didn't like the thing about him saying HE didn't believe it so HE wasn't doing it - because that totally disrespected YOUR beliefs.

I don't 'do' church and so had a civil wedidng; Nick was happy with that but if he'd been strongly religious I'd have gone through with a church wedidng for his sake - it's important to respect each other's beliefs, not have one person ruling things!

N xxx

Lady Rools · #16 (**permalink**) 22-04-2003, 05:21 PM

Another update in the scenario. Jacqui the little love sent me a transcript of the catholic wedding ceremony and we have briefly been through it and he is fine with everything that is said! All of the bits that Jack has to answer to are mostly about love for each other and the sacrament of marriage.

Brill

roz · #17 (**permalink**) 23-04-2003, 05:12 AM

I agree with Nikki but I do think that religious beliefs and the potential for hypocrisy are one thing that it is quite difficult to compromise on...

hope that's not too contentious - and I'm glad the ceremony suits you both because that is the most imprtant thing.

sapphire_aus · #18 (**permalink**) 23-04-2003, 05:19 AM

I was feeling really distressed for you as I was reading through the posts, but saw that you've come to an understanding, so that's good.

Sounds like you've got through a big test there for the two of you, and I guess it's the beginning of compromises and working things out.

We've compromised ourselves. My fiance wanted a minister, I was happy with a celebrant, being that I don't go to church and haven't even been christened. So we've found a minister that will marry us in a garden. So we're both happy. Plus the fact I know the minister (as a friend) also, makes it doubly good for us.

Jacqui · #19 (**permalink**) 24-04-2003, 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rooley
! All of the bits that Jack has to answer to are mostly about love for each other and the sacrament of marriage.
Brill

Oh that is Great!!!!!!!!! The bit I sent you is only for the exchange of vows...there is more religious stuff - like the rest of the mass! there is also the Eucharistic. from what I have seen, the priest gives this to both the bride and groom first...I would imagin that Jack would not be on for this and perhaps something should be said to the priest about this before hand. I know that Trev does not belive in any of this and to be honest I think it would be wrong of him to receive on the day for that reason. I am not quite sure how to bring this up with our priest but I think it shoud be done. I remember when T's mother died, T was 23 and at the funeral mass he when up for communion...(I think he was either not sure he was doing or he was just moved in that direction). On receiving, when the priest said "Body of Christ", Trev just said thanks. not that he meant to be mischivous but more that he forgot what to say. Have to say though, I found this rather funny!

I am so happy that all is sorted now for you. Oh, don't forget to ask for the short form of the mass - a friend said to me yesterday that in the UK you have a choice of 2 - a short one (about 40 mins) or the long one...2 hours!!!

If anyone else whats a copy of what I sent to Rooley, just ask as I have saved it to the pooty!

Love
Jac
xxx

Scotia Rover · #20 (**permalink**) 24-04-2003, 09:00 AM

regarding the communion.... you CANNOT be given it if you are a non catholic. The priest will normally make this clear before communion by saying other denominations are welcome to come up to the alter for a blessing (they bow their heads slightly and the priest blesses them).
Also you do not have to have a Nuptial Mass (one where communion is given during the ceremony). The mass without communion takes about 30 mins, with, about 45. Hope that helps.
Laura