Fed up about wedding plans - Wedding Forum

Labrat · #1 (**permalink**) 10-06-2003, 11:30 AM

I posted about this a bit on another thread, but it's still annoying me so much I really need to get it out of my system... so here goes:

I really wanted to have the wedding reception on a boat. I imagined the wedding breakfast to be very elegant, and then the evening do to be a wild party. I sort of imagined it as a floating nightclub, like something out of a film, really loud music, loads of alcohol, etc. This very much fits into the way me and H2B celebrate things, and both sets of our friends are similar to us in this respect!

So we booked the boat. I've had SiL2B whinging because she gets seasick and has a boat phobia (note: she knew we were looking for a boat and didn't tell us this info until we'd paid the deposit!). Several guests were complaining that we wanted the boat to go out until midnight. They want to come to the evening do but leave early. Then SiL2B was saying her kids (the flowergirl and pageboy) won't be able to attend the evening bit because it'll be too late for them. I'd assumed my parents wouldnt want to attend, but that's fine by me, because I don't have a great relationship with them anyway. I just want a party with all my friends. But H2B is very family-oriented. So he wants his parents to be there, and he wants his GRAN to be there. I had H2B last Friday night complaining that his gran wouldn't like to stay up that late and then travel back. And I've had H2B's dad on the phone again telling me she'd like to come to it.
So basically the whole wedding is turning into keeping other people happy! I'd be very prepared to stand my ground but H2B is on his family's side. So it's going to be more of a school disco. We can't have the music too loud cos of the old/er people that'll be there.
We've got a friend who's a nightclub dj to be our dj - but what's the point if he can't play anything too loud or offensive? He was bragging to us a few weeks back that he'll have to check how much power on the boat he can use, because last time he did a boat gig he used so much volume he somehow killed the boats electrics for a bit! So it's gonna go down as well with him as it is with me that we have to "tone things down a bit".
I honestly don't see the point of having it on a boat now. I really don't know why we'll be spending £2400 to charter this boat for 8 hours when we won't be using it to it's full potential. We may as well cancel and book a nice hotel somewhere.
Ever since I've had to make this compromise I've been really unenthusiastic about the wedding. H2B wants to go clubbing after the wedding to add some sort of party atmosphere to the night. I am looking forward to this, but not the same as if it was our OWN party. I'm now looking at buying a cheap dress so I don't care if it'll be ruined in the club. We're going for cheaper titanium rings instead of having a white gold ring to fit my engagement ring.
I was looking at cheaper wedding stationary in WHSmiths the other day as an alternative to the cards I'd wanted.
I feel as if I can't have the wedding I want, why spend loads of money on it?
Why not print out invites on bits of paper and deliver them by hand?
Why not get a cake from M & S?
Why have a florist at all? Or a photographer? I really feel very very down about this. Is this normal wedding depression or will I stay feeling like this? I'm going to Debenhams to try on wedding dresses this Friday in an effort to lift my mood.
I really feel like paying the £96 and just getting married in a registry office next week or whenever. But H2B would say that's wrong too. It's a nightmare, he never makes suggestions for thing, just tells me if I get them wrong>I've had to plan everything for this wedding. I've given him a few bits to do though. We came into work on Sunday to look at wedding rings (our pc at home is broken) and he spent more time on ebay looking at cars - I had to keep reminding him to look at the rings!

I think I'll do the stuff I planned to on Friday and then I'm not doing any more. He can do the rest.

Grrr....

He's been so good up until now, agreeing to help me with stuff - he's supposed to be sorting out the catering and stuff. But he hasn't even rung them to find out when he has to make a decision on the menus. He hasn't even got in contact with them at all!!

He's got loads of overtime coming up so soon neither of us are going to have the time or energy to do this, but he acts like he's got all the time in the world.

This is like getting him to do the washing up, but on a much larger scale...

nikki · #2 (**permalink**) 10-06-2003, 05:49 PM

Weddings ARE about compromise to a certain extent, no matter how much people tell you it's your day.... but what you need to decide is how far you are prepared to compromise and not let it ruin your day to the point where you don't want to do it at all - at the moment you sound like you are deliberately looking for reasons to be more upset.

Obviously your H2B wants his family, including his gran, to be there - he would be very heartless if he didn't. You need to work out a way to please everyone - sadly, this day isn't just about you. Most of us have organised things to suit our families as much as ourselves.

I can see two solutions:

ONE is to cancel to boat and book a hotel. At my wedding some of the older people didn't like the disco so they sat outside it - it's easy to find another room in a hotel.

TWO is to have the boat but keep the noise down til say, 9 or 10 pm. Then arrange for the boat to moor to let the older / younger / more easily tired off the boat - then turn up the volume and party!

No use in making yourself miserable about it, better to find a solution as soon as you can!

HTH

N xxx

Dawnie · #3 (**permalink**) 11-06-2003, 08:37 AM

I'm so sorry that your wedding isn't living up to your expectations, but the true fact is that the whole thing is a massive compromise in lots of ways.

You say that you envisioned the evening do to be like a floating nightclub but in doing that you're probably alienating a good 50% of your guests who would rather not be in a floating nightclub.

Unfortunate, but true.

When we got married, we had a band and a DJ who catered to everybody's tastes, 60's, 70's, 80's and up to date music. The 60's stuff is definitely not my taste at all, but it really got others dancing (especially after a few drinks - my mum doing the twist is not something I wish to re-live whilst sober

).

My gran is in her 80's and wanted to leave at 9pm and my uncle took her home before returning. I think Nikki has a point in maybe allowing people to leave at a docking point at say 9.00pm to allow older relatives and people with young children to leave. The plus point of this is that you and your friends can really turn up the music and listen to what you want to listen to whilst enjoying a bit of serious clubbing afterwards without having to worry about the relatives who've got off the boat (which you/H2B would if they were having a miserable time).

It also means you can have the dress of your dreams because you don't have to worry about going into a packed nightclub - you'll have your own one on the boat for 3 hours.

I completely agree that there are some things that you shouldn't compromise on - one thing is your SIL2B and her comments about how much the wedding is costing - it's none of anybody's damned business if they're not contributing, but the reception is different - it caters to a lot of different people of different ages and does have to mix and match a bit.

Good luck - don't stress.

#4 (**permalink**) 11-06-2003, 09:17 AM

I'm so sorry to hear your news....

But trust us, it will get sorted and be the day you want.

Firstly, SILS are a pain in the behind-don't get me started on that
Secondly, blokes tend to get more geared up nearer the time (whens your day?) This is true.....they don't seem to realise all this thinkng is neccessary but nearer the time it hits them and they get excited.
I know thats not the real problem so I'll get on with it.

I agree with the others-I reckon having a docking time say 9pm on the invites is a good idea-people can plan around it. I know the day is about compromising but having it on a boat is a major deal to you and you should definetly do it. Down the line you don't want to regret not having the day you wanted......

I agree you can compromise on things like the band or other things which aren't as 'major' if thats the right word, but your rececption would be totally different if you did it in a hotel and that doesn't seem to be what you want.....

Don't get stressed with it all-it will work out ok in the end but my only advice is don't loose sight of what you imagined the day to be. I hope your H2B comes to agree with you....

Take care and lets us know how you get on

Sarah

Labrat · #5 (**permalink**) 11-06-2003, 10:55 AM

Had a HUGE long talk to H2B about it last night. We've come to the conclusion that we both wanted completely different things for the day.

This may seem harsh but I'm not a "family and relatives" type person. I probably only saw both sets of my grandparents maybe 10 times max when I was a kid. I rarely see my parents now as I have a very rocky relationship with them and only see them maybe a couple of times a year. I do see my brother from time to time but that's not too often either. I was honestly thinking that my parents would boycott the wedding anyway and wasn't too sure if my brother would even turn up. My parents have decided to come to it but my dad's not walking me down the aisle (fine by me - this is a guy who didnt even want to come to my uni graduation) or making any speeches. To me, family are a group of people who think they have a right to constantly criticise and tell you what to do simply because they are related. So I kind of avoid family stuff wherever possible.

So when I have such a bad relationship with my parents, it's not surprising I don't really want to be too close to anyone else's. H2B's parents insist we go down to theirs virtually every other weekend, and we barely get time to ourselves cos we're always being "summoned". I was even told my H2B's dad that if we didnt go down this weekend to see H2B's aunt and uncle (who we see more than I see my parents!!) then they'd come up and visit us. It's an hour and a half drive each way so it basically takes out most of the day to go down there!

H2B's parents used to treat him like a child and even shouted and told him off in front of me (he's 29!) but now he's living away from them, rather than only 10 minutes away, he gets on with them sooo much better!

So anyway I wanted our wedding to be for us and for all our friends (as in, you can chose your friends but not your family thing). The family bit of it was a necessary evil but I naively assumed that we could get that bit out of the way in the day and have the evening to ourselves with our real friends.
But H2B really really wants his family around him during the day. Knowng his family it'll mean I won't get to speak to him all day cos they monopolise him when we go to visit them (I don't get to see much of H2B myself anyway because of all the overtime he's doing).
But H2B is going to try and contact the boat company to see if they will allow us an extra docking during the evening to let off the older people. I'm not sure they'll allow it though because we'd already discussed it with them (about the evening do no one would come to because they couldnt leave when they wanted) and they never suggested they could dock a second time.

I just have this sinking feeling that I'm really not going to enjoy my own wedding with all this family there - I really really wanted to go off any get married in secret somewhere but H2B said his family would be hurt. So I'm compromising hugely on this already. Like I said before I'm not sure we should spend all this money on a wedding I'll have to grit my teeth to get through. On the up side, there is always the alcohol... Looking forward to the honeymoon though.

Anyway... I know I'm going to be compromising a lot over this. It just doesn't even feel like my wedding anymore. My one "big thing" about the wedding - the one thing I wanted was a huge loud drunken party. I can compromise on rings and dresses (which many people aren't prepared to do) but for me it's the party that's the big thing for me. I used to live in nightclubs - was out virtually every night, and so did H2B before we met. Since we've met we've slowed down but we still go out and love it when we have the money and the energy.

So I am not totally sure I do want us to spend all this money on something that's essentially going to be for his family. We'll see what the boat company has to say.

Oh, and I told H2B I have to organise most of the wedding now because in a few months time I'll be job hunting and writing up my PhD (part of the reason I'm stressed anyway - never mind the wedding). H2B has said he's not completely incapable and he can organise it!!

So I'm writing out a huge long list of stuff that needs doing and handing it all over to him (I love this guy to bits but it can be difficult to get him to do the washing up so this should be interesting...). So who knows, at this rate maybe the wedding won't even be planned in time.

I know I'm probably coming across sounding like a spoilt brat, but this is the way I honestly feel at the moment. I really really want to feel all happy and blissful when I think about what our wedding will be like, but at the moment I feel as if I want to burst into tears when I think about it. Maybe all this stuff I've written here isn't even the issue, maybe I'm just sick and tired of the whole wedding thing. I think being in the final year of a PhD is tough enough without thinking about weddings. Oh and I got my appointment for the suspected endometriosis diagnosis, and it's nto until 2nd October this year. Which is another reason I'm down. Anyway. Perhaps letting H2B take over the wedding for a while will be good for me??

Wedding is in a year and a day from today! (12/6/04)

Dawnie · #6 (**permalink**) 11-06-2003, 11:27 AM

God, it sounds like you're both coming from completely different poles!!

I really don't know how you move on from here as you don't seem to be committed to the same ideas for your wedding day.

Perhaps this could be a compromise - feel free to tell me to bugger off

Have your wedding day - a small affair with a hotel reception, blah blah - for the family and a few close friends.

Then simply book the boat for the next evening. Invite all your friends and sod the family and have a damn good knees up.

If you keep the wedding small and inexpensive, hopefully you'll be able to do both before you head off on honeymoon. That way H2B and his family get the nice family day they want (and you just grit your teeth - sorry, smile

) and the next day you get exactly what you want.

You can wear whatever you like for the boat do then and go crazy for an evening.

HTH

J · #7 (**permalink**) 11-06-2003, 12:04 PM

Our wise Essex woman speaks sense. That seems like a pretty decent compromise, you can put a brave face on with the rellies then get pi**ed!!!!!

Jx

Heather · #8 (**permalink**) 11-06-2003, 04:52 PM

Why is it that weddings are always a nightmare..... no matter what you "want" you always have to compromise!!!

As J says, our "Wise Essex Wife" has come up with a fabby compromise! Hey, if you do the "family day" on the cheap, your S-I-L can't moan.... although I'm sure she'll still find plent to moan about, she sounds the type!

Hope you can come to some kind of compromise that doesn't make you feel that you're losing out on your dream wedding!

Hang in there, and don't worry about moaning to us, it's always good to air views with people who "don't know you" (if that makes sense!)

H

Jacqui · #9 (**permalink**) 12-06-2003, 08:24 AM

I think you may want to smack me for what I am about to say but I have to say it. Your h2b family being there is not a compromise for anyone...they have to be there, full stop. I understand that you are not close to your family but your h2b is so close to his, it would be so wrong not to have them there...and it maybe something that he would not forgive you for doing if you pushed him in that direction.

You see, Trev is not really close to his family - don't get me wrong, he loves them and all that but they don't live in each other's pockets. Trev's dream wedding would be to elope...no doubt about that! But he know that there would be no way on earth that I would get married without my family being there..they are my family and although they can drive me insane at times (as I am sure I do them!), I love them and would want them to share in the celibration of my wedding on the day. I would say that your h2b is the same. Regarding the way they monopolise him, how about having a chat with him about this and so he can say it to his family that he will be a host on the day and as so, will have to go around socialise.

I understand that you are under presssure at the moment with PhD and medi problems but you need take a step back I think. Pressure and stress can do bad things to you and don't exactly help in making lodgical decisions. The wedding will be sorted - my sis had hers sorted in 3 months...that is started about 3 months before the wedding and everything was great on the day (and oh, she is also a perfectionist!!!). you seem to be in a negative frame of mind (for understandable reasons) but for your own sake, take a deep breath and perhaps, forget about organising the wedding for the time being...a year is a load of time.

take care
Jac
xxx

vickilewis · #10 (**permalink**) 12-06-2003, 09:33 AM

gotta say i agree with everyone else. weddings are undoubtably the most expensive days to organise and also the ones that begin with your dreams and end up with everyone else's requirements.

Dawnie is right, maybe a twoday wedding like in the US would be a fabby idea or how about getting married at dawn as the sun rises and then having a wedding breakfast (literally) a relaxing day sailing or whatever and then huge party. that way everyone would see you both pretty much all day.

our wedding escalated from very small to medium sized and although i got my way with a lot of things there were points that i gave in to for a quiet life. at the time they really peeved me off but on the day it didn't matter, i hardly noticed any of them afterall i was getting married!!

when all is said and done this is your wedding day - yes you should have your dream day but remember that it is H2Bs day as well and so you need to combine the aspects of weddings you both want. Contrary to beleif men do sometimeslike a say in arrangements!

On the day it won't matter - you'll be over the moon and you'll be marriued to the man you love which is the whole point of a wedding -right?

relax and take some time out. you have a whole year to organise. my wedding planning started 9 months before the day and finished for the largest part 8 months before the day. there were niggles and stuff to sort out but it meant we could enjoy the run up to our wedding.

hth

V xx

Jen · #11 (**permalink**) 12-06-2003, 10:24 AM

Awh sweetie

Things may seem very pooey at the moment and it is YOUR day, but again, I agree with everyone else....this is your H2Bs day too. Believe me I appreciate what you're saying about compromise, but life is FULL of compromises. When I "compromise" with my H2S I don't begrudge it, so its not a compromise, its about working together on stuff and being supportive of each other even when you have different opinions.

Also, the way you feel about "families" will prove very important in the future...at the moment you seem to have VERY different experiences, but this needn't equate into very different views about your future as a family together (I too dont get on much with my family, but h2B does....i think it mean we'll work hard together at being a close family ourselves).

As you've got so much time, I'd take this opportunity to see that you do share the same views for the future, as compromises will have to be made along the way, even after the wedding.

Anyway, heres another

Let us know how you get on...
Jen
xxx

Labrat · #12 (**permalink**) 12-06-2003, 05:35 PM

Cheers for all the replies. Spoke to my mum last night and she said it's too late now but we could have had the engagement party on the boat with just friends and then a quieter wedding.
At mum is on my side! She too thinks it's going to make the evening seem really disjointed and messy to come in mid-way through the evening do, seeing as how we're already coming in once to drop people off and pick up between the main day and the evening.

I suggested to H2B tonight that we have a long "day" do, starting at 3:30 and then have the boat come in for 7:30pm-8:30pm. That way his gran can stay til 8:30pm and the evening guests will arrive at 7:3pm onwards and everyone stays til midnight. But H2B reckons that his parents may want to stay for the evening though, and then gran would have to get a taxi back home alone (shock horror! - sorry if this is cruel but still not happy about the whole thing!).
H2B after a lot of persuading will phone the boat company tomorrow. He was going to "get around to it" next week sometime.
He really can't understand why I'm so wound up about the whole thing. I can't explain it but I think all the other pressures are getting to me and now not knowing about this is the final straw. But he can't understand where I'm coming from. I don't hold high hopes for the boat coming in a second time in the evening cos surely they would have suggested this when we booked? At the time we were saying the evening would be awkward cos no one would go home early. She just sympathised, but said well, that's what you get with having it on a boat. Part of me thinks there was a good reason why she didn't suggest coming in a second time! I feel like it'd be nice to cruise round the Isle of Wight during the evening but not sure if time would allow for this if we're going to have this second drop off timepoint.

So, oh well, we shall see... getting drunk tonight and shopping for wedding dresses tomorrow with bridesmaid in an effort to unwind.

And yep, whoever said that comment about our very different family experiences are going to be interesting to deal with in the future is right! Shall be interesting to see how this turns out anyway - it's our first major "not solveable in five seconds" problem we've hit since we got together 3 years ago.

Jen · #13 (**permalink**) 12-06-2003, 10:35 PM

Well done for pushing H2B....mine's the same!!! (I had a BIG bridezilla moment last night and poor H2B was a star in the end!)

H2B and I have been together 11 years as of last Friday and we certainly have had our bumps along the way - but it's good to test drive the relationship properly

Sounds like you've got support from your mum, and that, given a break things will work out. You've obviously got a lot to contend with what with your PhD etc. and it doesn't take a lot to break the camels back when you've so much going on.

Anyway, you sound a lot brighter, but let us know how talk with boat company goes. They probably didn't mention coming back twice as they hoped to avoid it, but if its a charter they should pretty much do what you want!

Jen
xxx
PS I

my gran, she's like a mum to me, and I'm having her play a very special part in our big day, but at the end of the night I'm sure she'll be getting a taxi home, alone, a little earlier than everyone else. And she's 85! She's a tough old bird though (as most old gran's are!) and I'm sure that you'll H2Bs gran could cope too....

Labrat · #14 (**permalink**) 13-06-2003, 04:18 AM

I know it wouldn't kill her but try telling H2B that! To try and work out what expectations I'm actually going to be pandering to, I asked why she wanted to be at the evening do. Does she not want to miss the first dance, or what?
H2B just came out with, well, she just wants to be there but she wants to go home early. I nearly screamed at him "well we don't all get what we want!".
But that would have got me nowhere! H2B hasn't even bothered to run things past his parents and gran to see what's acceptable and what's not with timings as far as they're concerned! We're seeing them on Sunday *mutter, grumble* (AGAIN) and he was going to ask them then. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold my tongue while they do a slash and burn on my beautifully planned reception timings. So I wish he'd do it over the phone. Plus knowing H2B he'll forget and I'll have to remind him on the day by asking them myself!

This is a huge cause of stress between me and H2B. But he can't see why I can't just sit back and see what ends up being decided on. So he's quite happy still to drvie me insane by waiting a few days before sorting this out. His excuse is he doesn't like to phone people form work during lunch on his mobile. Which is a pathetic excuse because he phones me and his mates all the time at work!! To be honest I can't see why this is driving me nuts, but I can't help the way I feel.

Anyway still hanging onto the thought of trying on wedding dresses today! Couldn't sleep last night and I was up before 7am! I'm all too excited, it's like Christmas!!! Please let there be sales!!!

Jen · #15 (**permalink**) 13-06-2003, 04:45 AM

I've had MAJOR bridezilla moments the past few weeks to the point I broke down and cried yesterday (I promised I'd NEVER get like that!) And I too felt it was all unreasonable but couldn't help the way I felt.

A bit of this was because I felt that H2B wasn't helping as much as he could amongst other things, but I decided this. I'd organise things without him, and if he doesn't like it then tough poo!

This helped me put things in perspective. And get on with things and be a bit calmer about it all.

As for seeing a lot of his parents, I can see this is a itch that just DEMANDS to be scratched at the moment and whilst you're stressed about the wedding and PhD etc, now may not be the best time to broach this, but.............

...............the chances of you seeing his family as MUCH (if not MORE so) after the wedding are pretty high, so I don't know what to suggest to get around this (without it being a source of constant upset for you). I think you will need to discuss this, sometime before the wedding (though maybe not now).

Whatever you do.....

Scream and hit a big fat pillow before you visit the IL2B I reckon

Jen
xxx

Jacqui · #16 (**permalink**) 13-06-2003, 04:46 AM

A reason I think that big weddings are promoted is that they are so much hassle, it can make or break a relationship and you know a lot more about your h2b as a result of the event...ie having to nag a million times to get something small done...but don't worry, they break eventually (either just before or just after you have a nervous break down!).