Just firered a BM - major rant - Wedding Forum

Jacqui · #1 (**permalink**) 18-09-2003, 01:39 PM

Gosh where do I begin....

I was chatting to her today about arrangments etc. Grand. Then got an email from her...but the thing was it was intended to go to me but her hubbie. Well, to cut a long story short it basically distorted the truth about how the arrangements have been made and made me look like a right fool that doesn't know what is going on on the day it self. Ended her email saying "how trying" the whole thing is and "feels a shambles" coming on.

This is the girl that only had to be there for the fitting of the BM dress...that's all and have her make up applied by YSL as are all the other BMs and myself. I have made a point of not asking my BMs to do anything leading up to the day as I appreicate that they are all busy women.

I wrote back to her saying that if she was going to bitch about me, it might be an idea not to send the email to me, also said that I would not like to have her to have to go through a "shambles" of a day and therefore she should consider herself uninvited.

She did write back to me apologising saying that she did not mean any of it - what crap. Why say it if it was not meant.

Her hubbie then emailed me saying that she is very upset about the whole thing and again that she didn't mean it that she is under a lot of pressure, blah, blah, blah. and that she was really looking forward to the day for months. I just thanked him for his email and said that I am just too hurt about it.

I have now moved on very quickly from being hurt to down right angry with her. Why would someone make stuff up to their hubbie??? why distort the truth??

You know what, I just don't get people sometimes.

Sorry for the rant
Jac
xxx

Lady Rools · #2 (**permalink**) 18-09-2003, 01:42 PM

Aww Jacqui that's really really horrible for you..what's she on about? And you're right, people don't write lies to their husbands or make stuff up, its the last thing you need before you wedding day, no wonder you are upset and angry. I would be bloody livid...it's an absolute honour to be asked to be a BM to someone even if they were getting married in a shed in a field with no priest and wearing a sack, never mind a beautiful coastal hotel and make up by YSL.

Kezzer · #3 (**permalink**) 18-09-2003, 01:51 PM

Blimey Jacqui, I'm not surpsed you're

I would be fuming too.
What a horrible thing to do to you after receiving such a great honour. If you can salvage anything out of this mess your Ex-BM is gonna have to do some seriously grovelling, and that's if you decide to speak with her again. Don't let it spoil all the other lovely things you've arranged & fun you've had organising yer big day.
BIG

bron · #4 (**permalink**) 18-09-2003, 03:35 PM

Just think of it as her loss in two ways. first being a bridesmaid/your friend and secondly she lied to her husband, who does that?

jesscakes · #5 (**permalink**) 18-09-2003, 04:01 PM

Knowing absolutely nothing about the girl it is hard to judge her mental state, but maybe if she was feeling particularly down about her own life, she might have wanted to make yours out to be a bit crap too so she didn't feel too bad about herself??

I know we all think and say things about other people behind their backs that we would NEVER EVER say to their faces, and maybe this was just one of those occassions.

I am sure she never intended you to read that email and if you hadn't, you would be none the wiser and you would probably have gone on to be good friends for years to come. Don't let something like this, when you are stressed to hell with wedding preps, ruin a good friendship if that is what it was.

I don't think you should make any decisions until you are feeling a little bit calmer and can think the whole thing through. Of course you have every right to feel hurt, but I am sure if she could undo what she did, she would.

Big hugs as I know this is absolutely the last thing you need right now!! And feel free to ignore me completely, just wanted to see if some light could be shed on your friend's motives. Hope the rest of the wedding run-up goes smoothly.

Lots of love
Jessx

Copperhead · #6 (**permalink**) 18-09-2003, 04:40 PM

Poor you. What an awful thing to find out just before your wedding! I am sure that she doesn't mean half of it, perhaps she is nervous about the wedding?

I can so understand you being angry as it must be the last thing you need but don't write off the friendship just yet (though, as someone else has said, she has a LOT of grovelling to do!). The week before you get married is probably the worst time to make major decisions, I was a wreck with nerves and stress before mine!

Rachael

tigerpuppy · #7 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 01:14 AM

Many big hugs and sympathies, this is when you need total support. As someone said above try and step back a bit from it and look at why she's being such a cow. Is she jealous that you're getting all the attention, is she a control freak? You must be good friends for you to ask her to be your BM and it would be a shame to let that all go, especially as we all rant to our beloveds about people when we don't really mean it.

LOL
Tigerp

J · #8 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 04:49 AM

I think you did the right thing, you don't need that. The whole "back-peddling" from her and her husband is a bit pathetic.

You'll have a grand day

Jx

Jacqui · #9 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 05:08 AM

thanks for all of your replies...and the hugs!

The thing is when I asked her to be a BM we were friends but since then I have bearly heard from the girl - it would have been me that made contact very much most of the time. She couldn't be bothered about coming home in time for the rehersal and only went about trying to change the tickets for her flight back when I mentioned that we intened on having a rehersal dinner after it...not really the right reason to change her tickets.

I can appricate someone being under pressure (and from her hubbie says, she is under a lot...he is emailing me about this now aswell....but he is a nice guy, I have to give him that) but why lie about stuff? Why make me out to be an idoit and say that the day is going to be a shambles? Maybe I am thick but I just don't get it.

She has come back to me and apologised but if I was to see her now on my wedding day, I think I will just get angry again. How dare she! I do think our friendship had ran its natual course anyway but this was just something that has more than just put finality to it. I really don't want to see her face in the pics now.

I know that I maybe coming accross as being mean and hard but it does take a lot to get at me but when it does happen, I can cut someone from my life and not look back (it has ever only happened once before). when I think of everything I did for her through out the years and on her wedding day, and this is what i get for it. A slap in the face would have been better. A part of me feels guilty about it (about her being told to get lost) but I really can't face this girl now.

thanks again though to all of you for giving your honest opinions. I may not agree with all of them but at least they were honest and from the heart and that is all that I look for in a person.

Jac
xxx

vickilewis · #10 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 05:27 AM

Good on you Jac for sticking for your principles. people may think stuff about ideas etc but they are never said because its a bride and grooms day and nothing to do with anyone else really. I think this woman obviously made a HUGE blip here and can really do very little to backpeddle and make-up and i agree totally that if she was there on the day then all you would be thinking about would be the email...making you het up and angry which isn't exactly bridal amotion..right??

enjoy your day and the run-up, best wishes from all here!

V xx

nikki · #11 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 06:32 AM

I think you're doing the right thing, Jac - I'm the queen of making up with people but it's not going to happen this close to the wedding, and I think you'd just boil all day every time you looked at her; it'd disturb the balance of what's supposed to be a good day for you!

I assume she's either very unhappy in herself or one of these who has to slate others in order to make herself feel better - either way, it would have been best if she had the common sense to email the right person, but she's lost out on a good day (and well organised too, I'll bet!)

want me instead? I'm sure I'd look charming at my size, and I could provide the evening entertainment by going into labour after the speeches..........

N xxx

Jacqui · #12 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by nikki
want me instead? I'm sure I'd look charming at my size, and I could provide the evening entertainment by going into labour after the speeches..........

Oh could you??? It would be great if could time the delivery for after the speaches and just after the evening guests arrive. now that is what I call a good friend!

One of my BMs, rosetta was heavily pregnant when she tried on the BM dress and you know what, she looked great in it!!

Jac
xxx

Bianca · #13 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 07:20 AM

I too think you are doing the right thing Jac. If i were you I'd feel so hurt and angry!!! I wouldnt want her at the wedding either, stuff her.
You only want poeple there you want to spend your wedding day with and she sure wouldnt be top of my list!

s to you hun, forget her. Silly woman

Lo · #14 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 07:56 AM

Just wanted to give you another

and let you know I'd have done the same as you

I can say, however, that on your day, NOTHING can prevent you from feeling soooooooooo happy, not even her (although it's nicer not to have that worry

)!!

Lots of luv,
Lo xxx

claireg · #15 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 08:57 AM

sending a few more

im another who would have done exactly the same. I had problems with one of mine to actually sent her an e mail asking if she really wanted to be a bridesmaid that bucked her ideas up lol!

Tulip · #16 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 01:03 PM

I also think you've done exactly the right thing. Can't believe the things she wrote.

I'd have done the same in your shoes, without doubt. I'm sure you'll have a fantastic day and your other bridesmaids will more than make up for it.

Laurie · #17 (**permalink**) 19-09-2003, 03:54 PM

Oh no, Jac! What a nightmare!

Everyone has said everything already so I can only add another big

.

And for the record, I think I'd have told her to F off!

Ffi · #18 (**permalink**) 22-09-2003, 04:52 AM

How could she? Jealous I suppose. You've absolutely done the right thing. There will be others at your wedding including other BM's who will be delighted to be there to see you and your new hubby getting married. So focus on the people who really care and who will be very happy for you. Good luck!

Heather · #19 (**permalink**) 29-09-2003, 07:26 AM

Sorry to hear you had this so close to the wedding!

Well done you though for sticking to your guns, I know how tough it is (had my own BM problem, thankfully it wasn't so close to the wedding)

Hope the day went well though, and this didn't put a dampner on anything!

H