Mystery Shopper (and feeling a bit down) - Wedding Forum

rachelp · #1 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 10:57 AM

I've not said much on Groovy yet, but been reading lots.

Mystery Shopper

Feeling a little apprehensive today and a little excited - tomorrow and Wednesday me and Paul are going to stay at the hotel which is top of our list for getting married in. We'll be like mystery shoppers, undercover agents ... as we've not told them when we booked our stay that we're also thinking of booking them for our wedding.

We visited once before a month or so ago and love the look of the place - so now we're going to stay and check out the rooms and the service and the food for ourselves (and take a look at a few other hotels in the area too).

It's quite exciting, but I'm really nervous that it won't be as good as I hope!

(and feeling a bit down)

I'm finding it very hard to get excited about the wedding - the day Paul proposed in February my sister-in-law had an early miscarriage so we delayed telling the family and any celebration was low-key or 'post-poned'.

A week later she wrote me a letter telling me that she couldn't bear for me to talk about my wedding and February 2004 would always be the worst time of her life and any wedding speeches should reflect this.
That I had hijacked my family's attention deliberately, denying her support and love when she most needed it (which is just not true).

I know she was in pain, but it was a pretty horrible letter, and she hasn't said sorry for any hurt, or even mentioned it since. It's been very upsetting, and now I find it hard to get happy and enthused about my own wedding as I feel like I am making other people miserable and don't deserve any happiness (a common theme in my life!)

Someone said in another thread that weddings seem to bring out the worst in some people and everyone seems to manage to fall out with someone.

Anyway, for a first topic this turned out to be a long post didn't it!!

KM · #2 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 11:36 AM

Now listen here Rachel, you can't put your life on hold full stop!

I understand that your sister-in-law is going through a difficult time, as does everyone, and she should be appauled that she has wrote you this kind of letter. Prehaps she is quite depressed and isn't acting her normal self. This is usual I'd imagine after a miscarriage.

You are not denying anyone of anything. Prehaps your sister-in-law is taking her upset out on you. This is common. I would have a word with your mum or a close family member about it, and maybe they could have a word with her.

As for your undercover night at a venue on your wedding list. Sounds great!! Good idea!

You take care hon... and let us know how you get on.

#3 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 11:46 AM

Ditto everything that karen said, but to add I have had a miscarriage earlyish at 11 weeks and because your body prepares itself to carry a baby for 9 months it has loads of hormones swimming around, and after miscarriage (like birth)the hormone levels rapidly decline which can leave someone feeling v. low..and that coupled with the sense of lose probably compounds these feelings...Hopefully she will be feeling better soon when she has come to terms with it a bit better and her body trys to return to "normal".
Try not to worry too much and spoil your moment..its not your fault. Congratulations on your engaement and good luck with finding a hotel...

KM · #4 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 12:03 PM

I am sorry that you have miscarried Mazz... my mum has lost babies in this way, and it left her in terribly upset as you can imagine.

Kezzer · #5 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 12:07 PM

Sorry to hear you're feeling understandably down

Your sis does sound like her world has caved in & is taking it out on all around, as much as she isn't to blame she isn't being fair on you either & please don't think you can't be excited about your wedding.
I'm sure as soon as your sis comes to terms with her feelings (& it is early days) then she'll be horrified that she ever said that.
I'm sure everything will work itself out in time.
Chin up x

rachelp · #6 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 12:54 PM

Thanks.

It's a big old mix of emotions for all concerned. My family have been very supportive, and keep telling me not to let it overshadow things, not my fault and so forth. Frightended of sounding heartless, but feel very let down.

Was there for SIL for her and my brothers wedding even though was going through an awful depression. But it isn't about point scoring so I'll shush up moaning.

Somehow have to get back my enthusiasm for weddings! I'm hoping that this trip will kick start me. H2B is very excited and active in the planning - don;t want to let him down!

Is it usual to have peaks and troughs of momentum for plans? Two years seems like such a long time away.

Kezzer · #7 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 01:03 PM

Sounds like yer are being cool.
Make sure you have a fabby time with H2B

I had 15 months to plan my nuptials, I spent most of this twiddling my thumbs & wishing we could have afforded to do it sooner

Instead spent loads time researching stuff that we never had!

KM · #8 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 03:08 PM

I am sure your break away with your H2B will get you back into the swing of the excitement for your forthcoming wedding.

When I got engaged, I had just under 2 years to wait. Now I've just over a year left, but, there is alot to be done in this year - the time will come round with the ups & the downs.
Though I hope you have no more down times!

Lo · #9 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachelp

Is it usual to have peaks and troughs of momentum for plans? Two years seems like such a long time away.

YES YES YES!!!

I know 2 years seems a long time, and you will go from month to month with nothing to do, BUT, you'll get to research everything properly, save up if you go over budget, and find decent suppliers which'll make your day perfect

And I wish I'd though to do the 'Mystery Shopper' idea, have fun

I am sorry to hear about you SIL, obviously it's been a very hard time, and I totally agree with the other's that I think the hormones wrote the letter! However, that doesn't give her the excuse to talk to you like dirt, you have shown soooooo much compassion by holding back your news and even then putting what is pretty big news for you and h2b as a low-key thing. It's emotionally draining on you too, as you want to be there to support her, but can't when she's acting like this

With regards to the rest of your family, ours didn't really get interested until about 6 weeks til our big day when they realised it was really happening

You have 2 years to come here to groovy and share your ideas with other brides and get really excited, and keep us smug marrieds happy (coz we all want to do it again really

)

Keep your chin up chicken,
Big hugs,
Luv Lo xxx

nikki · #10 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 04:11 PM

Love the mystery shopper thing, have a great time!

As for your SIL - what a shame that she felt so bad that she had to take it out on you by writing such a horrible letter. Although I can understand her upset, it was very wrong of her to almost lay the blame on you. And to never mention it again- is it possible that she is either very ashamed, or has genuinely forgotten about it? Or maybe finds it too painful to bring up?

Either way, it is very sad that weddings tend to bring out the negative in some people! You will soon move on from it and enjoy your planning all the more.

N xxxx

Ang · #11 (**permalink**) 19-04-2004, 04:13 PM

Don't let you sister in laws loss spoil your happiness. Undertandably she will be feeling sad about her loss and like the others have said her hormones will be all over the place. But by keeping your own news to yourselves for a while and keeping things low key then you deliberately didn't try to take away from what was happening to her.

Have you actually spoken to her about her loss? I'm asking because when I had Leanne my sister in law at the time had a miscarriage when Leanne was just a few days old. I was so undecided about what to do. Should I go see her, not go see her but in the end I left Leanne with my ex mother in law (who told me not to mention my sister in laws loss at all), went to see her and spoke to her about what had happened. She was so glad someone had spoke to her directly about it rather than pussy footing about that she sat and talked and talked and talked and by the end of my visit wanted to see Leanne and share what was my happy time.

On a happier note have a great stay in the hotel and I hope it lives up to your expectations. Oh and welcome to Groovy!

Ang xxx

rachelp · #12 (**permalink**) 22-04-2004, 07:21 AM

Thanks everyone - this is really helpful for trying to keep my sense of perspective.

Things are liable to be sticky for a while - SIL is trying to pick up where we were before the miscarriage as if nothing has happened. So, we will need to talk very soon. She says everything is fine and ok, but seems not to be aware that what she said was hurtful and has made things very difficult. So, I have the task of telling her this without trying to alienate things any further. Famillies!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nikki
is it possible that she is either very ashamed, or has genuinely forgotten about it? Or maybe finds it too painful to bring up?

Honestly I don't know Nikki, probably a mixture. My fear is that she genuinley doesn't see what the problem is, and thinks she has nothing to apologise for - time will tell!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anj
Have you actually spoken to her about her loss?

In the week or so after she told me about the miscarriage, yes, we talked about it. Then after I told her about our engagement she turned, well, nasty. First she wanted space, then she lashed out. I've not been able to talk to her since - I've suffered all my adult life with depression, which has been under control for the last 2 years, but all this has kicked up loads of 'downer' stuff for me. Now I'm actually really frightened to talk to her for fear of further upset and worsening of my mental state.

Listen to me whining on! Sorry all - it's playing on my mind today and I'm trying to figure out the best way to tackle it all. One way or anther this will pass!

As for mystery shopping ... what a very worthwhile exercise! Our ideal, perfect hotel turned out to be not quite so perfect. Still lovely, still a fantastic setting - but not exeactly what we want.
Called into another 4 along the way - now have another contendor, struck some great ones from the brochures off the list and you know what?
Got enthused again!!

2 years of gossipping about weddings? Sounds like a plan ...

Rachel

cariad · #13 (**permalink**) 22-04-2004, 07:35 AM

Rachel, welcome to Groovy from me. I just wanted to say that you sound lovely!!

Seeing as I'm here, I may as well offer my mad advice...LOL...

I know it's maybe going to be hard, but you'll have to make a decision to forgive your SIL, and then go ahead and let yourself be excited about getting married! It is really hard for those who aren't about to get married themselves to get as excited as you anyway, especially not 2 years before the event, so you may need to temper your jumping up & down a little

, but that doesn't mean that you should be in your sackcloth & ashes. You sound like a really compassionate woman who wants the best for her family, and I'm sure your family knows that, so you are entitled to some joy in your life. You don't want to look back and think "I let my sensitivity towards my SIL steal my joy", because you'll end up begrudging her.

Anyway, I'll unstick my oar now. The hotel idea sounds GREAT!!!! I hope you love it as much as you think you will!

Mrs G xx

#14 (**permalink**) 22-04-2004, 09:19 AM

Firstly, I wanted to say

and

to Groovy and that I love the idea of the Mystery Shopper trip to the hotel - might try something like that when we look again!! Sorry it wasnt quite what you wanted but at least you can spend lots of other nights in great hotels till you find the one you want!!

As for 2 years being a long time away, it is but you have plenty of time to make sure you get what you want. It also comes round a lot quicker than you think - we were meant to be getting married in July and had booked this over 2 years in advance but postponned it last September as it was coming round so fast we hadnt got round to doing all we had wanted to!

With regards to your SIL2B, her situation is horrid but it isnt your fault and shouldnt stop you looking forward to your big day or feeling guilty about feeling happy. Dianne is right about having to try and forgive your SIL - I wont bore you with the details but ive had problems in that department too and, although alls fine and great now, I still dont know the reasons and have resigned myself to not trying to find out incase it all blows up again.

We're always here if you want to let off steam about anything!

P xxx

Teresa · #15 (**permalink**) 22-04-2004, 09:43 AM

Hi Rachel and welcome to Groovy. Although 2 years seems ages away the time will fly by. YOu have lots of time to make sure you get what you want and have the most wonderful day. The mystery shopper idea sounds great. Hope you have a fab time.

Its horrid whats happened to your sil and I can't imagine what it must be like for her. However awful she feels though she should never have written that letter to you. Whats happened isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do. Don't feel guilty about feeling happy and looking forward to your big day.

If you need to talk or share ideas then we are always here.

Love Teresa

rachelp · #16 (**permalink**) 22-04-2004, 01:03 PM

Thanks everyone - you're all lovely!

Sticking in of oars most welcome - why elese would I be here? Oh, apart from to listen and gossip about weddings of course!

An additional stress is that not only did SIL attack me, she also attacked H2B. He's a level-headed, easy going, straighforward bloke (total opposite of me!!), but this has knocked him for six. He's really angry about it all, especially about me getting so upset, and it casting a shadow over our engagement and wedding plans.

I know what you're saying about forgiveness Diane and Paula, but I kind of don't feel ready yet - if that makes sense. Sometimes I get fed up of being the sensible one, and I'm jealous of the people who can just shout their mouth off and not fear the consequences sometimes! :hmm:

I can't believe 2 years might not be long enough to plan! Crikey Paula!! Best to be sure you're getting what you want and what's right though.
I can imagine 2 years won't be long enough to save my money though!

Mystery shopping is great - but I think it could get quite expensive too ...

#17 (**permalink**) 22-04-2004, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Sometimes I get fed up of being the sensible one, and I'm jealous of the people who can just shout their mouth off and not fear the consequences sometimes!

I totally understand what you mean when you say this. When the situtaion started for me, I had honestly done nothing and couldnt understand what had happened. Everyone who mattered knew this but all they said was 'its just the way she is' like that made it ok.

I also didnt want to let it go but at the end of the day, its Marks sister and I do really like her so I decided that this once, id shut up and go with the flow. Even now I still think about it and get mad but its not worth it sometimes as one particular Groover made me see with their fab advice.

And your right about the money thing too

P xxx

rachelp · #18 (**permalink**) 22-04-2004, 01:38 PM

You're right of course Paula. Not moving on, staying angry, holding onto the hurt - none of it is good for you. Forgiving and moving on is the only way otherwise it's only you who ends up suffering.

But I don't have to be best friends again do I? Because I kind of feel I can move past it, but not go back to how things were.
I suppose it depends what is going on in her head - but at the moment I feel like I got bashed for just being me, and I don't really want that kind of influence to be a large part of my life. She feels like a loose cannon.

Have I lost any friends yet?

I think this is a lose-lose situation sometimes - SIL had a miscarriage (which is just awful and dreadful and I'm so very sad about it) but it's like that gives her a right to be horrible to me, and then I'm the one who has to make it better, and sound totally unfeeling if I complain about it.

Sigh. Perhaps tonight is the night to make the phone call and see what it is exactly she and I are dealing with here.

Laurie · #19 (**permalink**) 22-04-2004, 01:45 PM

It could be worth biting the bullet and getting it over with. That way at least, you may reach some sort of arrangement and be able to move as it's obviously troubling you enormously.

if you do phone and

you can sort something out.

If you don't want confrontation, what if you were to write SIL a letter enclosing the one she sent you asking if her feelings are still the same? She may not even remember sending it if she was in a bad place mentally/emotionally. Just a thought...