how am i going to get vicar to marry us??? - Wedding Forum

#1 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 03:26 PM

Hi,
we were all set for a civil ceremony etc in a hotel but have now decided we want to get married in church, we've also post-poned for a year. Anyway the church we want to get married in is outside our parish and we don't really have any connection with that parish either, I am going to ring the vicar early next week and would be very gratefull for ideas of how to convince him he should marry us there!! if anyone has any idea when they (CofE) are relaxing the rules on parish requirements etc please let me know!!!
thanks
debsx

Laurie · #2 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 03:32 PM

What are your reasons for going for that particular church first of all?

Scotia Rover · #3 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 03:44 PM

Hiya...re the church issue......I was living in a different parish to the one I wanted to get married in. I went along and seen the parish priest and explained that we would be attending his church. He asked a few questions and then said as I actually grew up in the parish area and my parents still lived there (although we didn't) then that was acceptable. So I attend a parish outside my catchment area although as long as I do attend church they seem happy to have me. Hope that helps.
Laura

#4 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 03:55 PM

The main reason we want to get married at this church is its location. our parish church is smack bang in the middle of Blackpool, bearing in mind it is an August wedding, whenever anyone gets married there there are literally hundreds of people looking on (unfortunately on other occasions when I've been there a number have drunks have stumbled in and once a whole group of girls on a hen night!!) I am REALLY shy and will find the whole service difficult anyway and just don't need the added stress of all the worry! the church we want to get wed in is a couple of miles out in the country (i grew up in the country but unfortunately not that parish) and is quiet and small, plus it's only a mile from our reception venue.
thanks for your replies
debsx

nikki · #5 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 03:55 PM

I believe my SIL 2 b was told she had to write to the archbishop and ask permission......

Nikki xx

Laurie · #6 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 04:01 PM

So tell em that's where you got engaged and it is very special to you or summat.

My aunt is over Mereside way! I pop up and visit every now and then and check out the illuminations!

nikki · #7 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 04:06 PM

Hey,

Didn't notice you said B'pool before! I'm from there and would no way get wed in the centre!!!!! where are you thinking of outside of Blackpool??? I know the area well..... born and bred.....

N xxxx

#8 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 04:12 PM

wow, small world and all that!!!

I live near victoria hospital, want to get wed at Lund parish church, off the Blackpool/Preston road, not far from our reception at Bartle Hall, where are you getting wed?
Debs

thanks for the 'got engaged' there idea!

nikki · #9 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 04:25 PM

Can see why you don't want to get wed round Victoria Hospital - although the accompanying sound from the zoo would be interesting???

We're in the Midlands now so we're getting married round here - more friends here than family at home!

Are you from Blackpool originally? I'm from Cleveleys - that Metropolitan centre of the universe!

Nikki xxx

J · #10 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 04:33 PM

Hi Debs,

Just a little plug for the "Articles" section of this site, I wrote a piece on getting married in a CofE church so that may answer some of your question (my Dad's a vicar so I interviewed him for it)

Basically, its up to the particular vicar if he wants to marry you in his church or not, but from what you've said I guess you realise that already. When you go in there, be ultra-pleasant and maybe the best thing is to be very truthful about your reasons for wanting to marry in that church and hope the vicar understands. Say you were having a civil wedding but really wanted to marry in a church because you feel it is more approriate, etc (not sure how religious you are). You are basically at the individual vicar's mercy as, like many of the church's rules, the issue of location is supposedly set in stone but its up to the vicar's discretion. Vicar's of very picturesque churches get very fed up of people from outside of the parish wanting to marry there for how it looks in photos, and from your description you have a very valid reason for wanting to wed there and its not down to how it will look on your photos.

You may need to be preapred to attend the church "regularly" ie. about twice a month for 6 months and the vicar may then consider you "regulars" and be happy to marry you. This will be a bugger for your wedding planning but if you're prepared to wait until its confirmed you can marry there, then go for it.

All we can do is wish you all the luck in the world, and please let us know how it all went

Jx

#11 (**permalink**) 06-04-2002, 12:23 PM

hi,
thanks for all the advice Johnathan, do you think I should go to the church or give the vicar a ring first?

Nikki, I grew up over wyre mainly and also lived in Poulton for a good few years, as well as a couple of other places around the country!! Cleveleys never changes, my best mate lives there, still really busy and congested!!

thanks for all your help!!!
debsx

J · #12 (**permalink**) 06-04-2002, 01:42 PM

I think either would be a good idea Debs. Maybe go to a service then introduce yourself to the Vicar after? At least then can see his "performance" first! Sometimes if you ring the Vicar and ask to see him about getting married at his church, he'll ask where you live and if you say you're not in the parish then he may even be unwilling to see you to discuss it. So I think I'm talking myself here into suggesting you go to a service and talk to him face-to-face.

Let us know how it goes on.

Jx

mella · #13 (**permalink**) 07-04-2002, 05:20 AM

Hiya!

I was in exactly the same position. Thought i couldn't marry in church outside our parish. We booked a civil ceremony at a hotel, but then i started to feel more and more that it wasn't what I wanted.

Anyhow, after picking up the phone, I managed to find a vicar happy to marry us. We decided to take the harder route by attending services regularly even though its a 3 hour drive away.

In fact, we're off to have our first week of bann's read this afternoon!! can't wait!

We feel we've got to know the vicar well and become closer to the church community by joining the services. Plus the vicar seems happier about it.

So give the vicar a call and if you can, suggest you attend regularly.

Good luck!!

Mel
xxx

Caz · #14 (**permalink**) 07-04-2002, 06:10 AM

We had a a problem where we couldn't marry at the church of our choice. We moved house so we could be in the parish ( same town we have about 5 different parrishes) and it turned ot the place we brought was on the wrong side of the road to be in the oarrish!!!!!

Another problem we had was with the fact that although its my first time my H2b is divorced, we had 2 choices, move again ( not an option as i found my dream home) or go to church every sun for 6 months, uhhhhhhhhhh didn't fancy that either, so we are now getting married at 10am in the morning in a civil ceremony with me, h2b, best man and chief bmd the only people attending an the only people who know, then we are off to the church of our choice for a blessing which the vicar is going to perform in an exact replica of a wedding with about 2 or 3 small differences, he reckons unless someone in the congregation in in the clergy no-one will know... lets hope

Caz..

#15 (**permalink**) 07-04-2002, 01:38 PM

hi all,
thanks for all the helpful advise, nice to know I'm not alone in this!!

Mella how often are you doing the three hour drive? you must be committed!!

i've decided that I will ring the vicar tomorrow (monday) and have a chat, H2b is working Sundays for the next month or so, makes it difficult to go to a service and i don't want to go by myself!!!

I'll let you know how I get on although I do feel quite scared right now but he can only say no!!

thanks again
debsx

mella · #16 (**permalink**) 08-04-2002, 05:38 AM

Hiya!

I was really worried about talking to the vicar too. But she was really nice.

We go roughly once a month which isn't too bad.. though it can be quite a trek. The tricky part is that we have to go for all 3 banns. Which means having to go there yesterday, this sunday and the one after! but our local parish is being great by not making us attend any of their readings of the Banns. Phew!

Mel
xxx

Taz · #17 (**permalink**) 08-04-2002, 11:58 AM

I am really worried about meeting the vicar on May 1st because my H2b is dovorced and i am going to be so disappointed if they say no..

J · #18 (**permalink**) 08-04-2002, 12:48 PM

Did the vicar ask if either of you had been married before when you phoned for the appointment? If he did and he's seeing you, then he probably hasn't got a problem with it.

Jx

Taz · #19 (**permalink**) 08-04-2002, 01:12 PM

yes he did and he said that he was okay with it - if that is the case then i am really pleased .. Thanks J xx

J · #20 (**permalink**) 08-04-2002, 01:18 PM

Thats cool, Cupid. My Dad's policy is not to marry anyone who's been married before and asks the question when they first ring. If they say yes, he politely says he can't marry them. Your vicar has said he's okay with it so he won't change his mind now. If he does, you can

him!

Jx

Shelley · #21 (**permalink**) 08-04-2002, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cupid
yes he did and he said that he was okay with it - if that is the case then i am really pleased .. Thanks J xx

I agree with J, our Vicar asked us straight away and made a point that he would not see us if either of us had been divorced...
Talk to him... They are nothing to be scared of, in fact our vicar is very friendly and does nothing but help us... They know how stressed you must get about these things, but they can only help you if you tell them what the problem is....

xx

Taz · #22 (**permalink**) 08-04-2002, 01:23 PM

thanks all - sorry for stealing the thread!