mother of the groom takes over - Wedding Forum

shari4petesake · #1 (**permalink**) 02-05-2009, 11:21 PM

Any hints on how to handle a controling mother of the groom? I am the mother of the bride. This is my daughters 2nd wedding and her grooms 1st. I told my daughter we will help with this one but on a limited budget. I bought her "designer" wedding dress, photographer and flowers a few other things she asked me to help with, which I love doing but $'s is tight now. She said she never said anything about our "limited budget" to the grooms mother but this woman completely took over the wedding! I asked my daughter, what about food, Bonnie (grooms mother) is taking care of it, and the wine? again, Bonnie is doing it, the decorations? again Bonnie bought all the vases and also had them all decorated before I got there, which my daughter wanted me there a day early to help with decorating. I didn't know where the church was (the wedding was of course in the grooms home town) and by the time I got directions from my daughter, again it was done being decorated. Bonnie only has boys and I can see her wanting to do things and that's fine but FOR PETES SAKE, she could have asked me if this is ok or do you want to help with this or that but not a word, she just did it ALL.The topper was when we were getting dressed for the wedding, Bonnie picked up my daughters pearl necklace and put it on her for the photographer without saying a word to anyone, grrr. I kept my mouth shut so as not to upset my daughter, she really likes Bonnie, they get along great. My husband and I felt more like visitors, no one even talked to us but the bridesmaids and grooms men. We had a small ceremony with mostly the grooms family, mine were to far away. The reception is planned for later in the summer to celebrate with the entire family mine included those that can come and friends.
Any ideas on how to handle the mother of the groom so she doesn't just take over this too (which of course is at her home on 5 acres) without causing a problem with them or my new son-in-law, which I just love by the way.

bron · #2 (**permalink**) 03-05-2009, 07:02 AM

asked you if it was ok?

no asked your daughter. You sound like you're being as controlling as her to be honest

so fucking what who put on her necklace. Maybe its a good thing if your daughter keeps a good relationship with her mil as her mother sounds more and more unreasonable

Copperhead · #3 (**permalink**) 03-05-2009, 07:45 AM

Good grief Bron, that's a bit OTT! Wrong side of bed this morning?
FWIW, if your daughter is happy then i think you should be too. If the 2nd one is for your family then just make sure you're making decisions with your daughter and son in law and politely refuse all other offers of help.

Not entirely sure this isn't a troll <cynic icon needed>

Ang · #4 (**permalink**) 03-05-2009, 07:56 AM

Have to admit I wondered troll but even if it is I agree that's OTT Bron.

If genuine I can understand where you're coming from but ultimately it's your daughters wedding and so as long as she's happy then that's the main thing.

Edited to say do we get any genuine new users anymore? <sigh>

bron · #5 (**permalink**) 03-05-2009, 08:33 AM

didnt get out of bed at all. I sleep on the sofa

I just dont get how someone can complain about someone else doing it all and call them controlling when they want to do exactly the same thing themselves. when it comes down to it its the daughters wedding and if she has a good relationship with the mil and is happy with the situation then it should be left as the daughter is obviously happy with things.

I would go mad if my mum was kicking off about something thats supposed to be special and making it awkward when it doesnt have to be

I mean its a necklace ffs

why does the grooms mother need to ask the brides mother if things are ok. thats bollocks. She should ask the bride and she probably did and if she didnt then thats down the the bride to point it out.

No wonder so many people dont get on with their inlaws

marriage the coming together of two people and families ha yeah whatever

shari4petesake · #6 (**permalink**) 03-05-2009, 12:53 PM

My daughter has said before that her MIL is a control freak, her new hubby has also said the same thing. Her MOH texed me that night and said how bad she felt that Bonnie took over everything, she said Bonnie even told her son to walk me down the isle 1st then seat her last. Isn't that backwards? As far as I know about weddings, the MOB and MOH is supposed to help the bride with most everything. Just trying to do my part. I wasn't able to do anything. Bonnie just went ahead and did it all before I even got a chance to help. The necklace she put on my daughter was a wedding gift from me and her father, thought I might like a picture of me or her dad putting it on her. The reception is going to mostly be the grooms family and his college friends, some of our family and friends, it's a long drive. I am more of a quiet, try not to make waves person, far from a control freak. I'm the first one to shut up and back off. Thanks for the slam Bron, like I didn't feel bad enough as it is. This is the first time I have even had the guts to get on any kind of forum becuse of my shyness. Thought maybe someone might have some helpful hints or make me feel better.

babyicebean · #7 (**permalink**) 04-05-2009, 05:15 PM

Hi and welcome to groovy.

Maybe - and I am playing devils advocate here - she didn't realise it has upset you.If she has just boys maybe (hopefully) she got so excited about girly things she just got carried away.My gran was a bit like that with my wedding as she had paid a latgish chunck to my eldest cousins wedding and the brides mother organised it all and gran felt that she was pushed out.Then the next cousin went and got married in vegas while on holiday so she wasn't involved at all, either monetry or timewise.With my wedding I was getting married from her church and it was a lot easier to let her organise the flowers and church as she knew the people who did these things.And my brother shows NO sign of getting married EVER, plus the fact she died.

Teresa · #8 (**permalink**) 05-05-2009, 02:51 AM

Hi and welcome to Groovy.

Do you think that she spoke to your daughter about everything and your daughter let her do it all. It might be worth speaking to your daughter as she might have told her MIL it was all OK for her to do everything. Perhaps your daughter thought it was easier if her MIL did lots of things as she lived there and you had a fair way to travel.

When I got married both my mum and MIL got involved but I was the one that decided what needed to be done and who was going to do it. I asked my mum to do some things for me and my MIL to do others but I checked with each of them first that they were happy to help. We were lucky when we got married as both sets of parents saw it as our day and as long as we were happy then they were too.

shari4petesake · #9 (**permalink**) 05-05-2009, 10:52 PM

She did speak to my daughter. My daughter didn't have the heart to tell her she was doing too much and did't know she was going to do even more. Bonnie knew I was coming over to help decorate and set things up but she went ahead and did all of it before I got there. My daughter was shocked to see it was all done and felt bad I didn't get to do anything. My husband said he felt more like a visitor than part of the wedding. I'm sure she didn't mean to "do it all", she probably just was excited and wanted to help and that's perfectly fine, she just went way too far and didn't seem to include the brides family in anything. I'm just worried about how the reception will turn out, my husband is NOT looking forward to it. Just not sure how to make everyone happy.

Teresa · #10 (**permalink**) 06-05-2009, 02:50 AM

Perhaps if you daughter has said something to her then she may not have done so much. Bonnie probably thought it was OK to do everything as your daughter hadn't told her not to. I think you should have a word with your daughter and tell her you are upset that you didn't get to help out with the wedding at all and that you would like to be more involved with the reception. Hopefully then your daughter will tell Bonnie to back off a bit and let you help out more. You said your daughter didn't have the heart to tell her she was doing too much so maybe Bonnie didn't realise she was taking over. She probably thought she was being helpful especially as you didn't say anything to stop her. Get your daughter to have a word with Bonnie and tell her you would like to help out too. Otherwise do you have a phone number or emaili address for Bonnie? If so contact her and thank her for all she has done but explain that you would like to be more involved with the reception and see if you can agree what you all will be doing.

Copperhead · #11 (**permalink**) 06-05-2009, 03:50 AM

Oh that's sad that your daughter feels so railroaded. I know it's hard but she really MUST say something to her now. If it's overwhelming now, it will be a total nightmare if and when they have kids.

Dawnie · #12 (**permalink**) 06-05-2009, 04:18 AM

It does strike me that your daughter and son in law need to sit Bonnie down and thank her for all her help but to make it clear that they want you to have a special part in the reception.

I'm sure this can be done civilly without hurting Bonnie's feelings and then you'll get your chance to feel like the mother of the bride as well.

Unfortunately, as an adult, if your daughter needs to convey her thoughts clearly to Bonnie wiht the full backing of her husband otherwise you'll all just sit there angry about this for a long time.

shari4petesake · #13 (**permalink**) 06-05-2009, 10:05 PM

You all are exactly right, i'm sure Bonnie didn't mean to "do it all" but know one said not to or gave her an idea of things I might want to do to participate. That is one thing I was a little concerned about, when kids come. They will have to stand up for themselves to me and to his mom....oh they grow up so fast!