What should I do - long (sorry) - Wedding Forum

a7lyg · #1 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 03:19 AM

I'm feeling completely awful this morning. My sciatica came back yesterday and although I went to the chiropractor, I was still bent over hobbling about like an old woman. H2B knew I wasn't feeling great as I'd phoned him from my mobile in tears before I went into the chiropractor to tell him I was ill and that my boss had been a complete w***** to me again. He told me just to leave my job, but we just can't afford it - I wouldn't get the salary I get anywhere else, so I'm stuck with a real bully. Anyway, I worked until about 6pm yesterday and when I got home H2Bs car was parked right at the entrance to the drive and I couldn't get my car in - I phoned him both at home and on the mobile as I could hardly move (and probably shouldn't have been driving) but the home phone was engaged and he didn't answer his mobile. I hobbled into the house to find him sitting on the phone to his BM (I'd been trying the house for over an hour so it was long conversation). I asked him if he would mind moving his car so I could get parked (my tone was really cutting though, due to the pain I was in). He came out and moved his car and by the time I got into the house I was in tears. He helped me through to the couch then announced that he was going out with his BM for a few drinks as his car had badly failed it's MOT and he needed cheering up. He asked if I wanted anything to eat, I said no, he got me a painkiller, went upstairs, got changed, handed me my mobile and told me to keep it beside me then left. I was feeling really sorry for myself but dragged myself upstairs and got into my PJs and climbed into bed. I turned my mobile off as my boss is away just now and has phoned me the last 2 nights on my mobile after 9pm and I didn't wanted wakened. Then H2B came in and said he was going to BMs for a few more drinks, did I mind - I said no. I looked at the clock, it was 9.30pm. Imagine my horror when I woke up at 4am and he still wasn't in - my heart was pounding as the BM stays in a really bad part of the town and I had visions of him lying in a pool of blood somewhere - I checked my mobile and hobbled downstairs to the home phone but he hadn't called. I phoned his mobile only to be met with a cheery "hi, how are you doing?" to which I replied "where the *** are you?" He said he was in a taxi and would be home soon. When he arrived, I asked where the hell he had been and he got all macho saying he'd been to a club and I wasn't his ****ing keeper and it was **** all to do with me what he did. I lost the plot and told him if this was the way married life was to be, I didn't want to go through with the wedding - he told me if that's how I felt I was to get my things and go. In my agony, I tried to - I got dressed, all the while he's saying things like "so that's it then, you're just going to walk out, one night out with the boys and you're leaving me. Don't want to marry you either then". It then escalated into a real screaming match and I managed to get dressed and went downstairs - I was in real pain. He came down and said he didn't want me to go - I was trying to explain that I was worried about him, I wouldn't stop him from going out with his friends, but it would have been nice of him to send me a text or leave a message telling me where he was. He said he thought I would be sleeping so didn't phone, then 2 mins later said he did phone and my phone was switched off - lying to me, obviously. I'm in work really early as he fell asleep and kept snoring and I couldn't sleep. The thing is, I am really annoyed at him for going out when I was in such a bad way. I'm even more annoyed that he didn't let me know where he was. I also don't like the fact that I always give him at least 24 hrs notice when I'm going out with a friend so he can organise what he's going to do with himself, yet he just ups and goes out whenever he feels like it. I feel it lacks consideration. Every single time he's out with the BM he comes back with a real attitude. In almost every other way he's lovely to me, but after his carry on after the stag and hen night and now this, I am beginning to wonder whether this is really his true colours showing and whether I should go through with the wedding. My Dad was an aggressive drunk and I lived with it for 18 years, my last boyfriend had a drink problem too and I'll be damned if I'm going down that route. H2B doesn't get drunk very often, but it's been getting more and more over the last few months and I don't like the way he has started to behave when he has a drink in him, especially when he's around his BM. To top all that BM was really rude to me on the phone the other night and when I mentioned it to H2B he said it wasn't his problem, I should take it up directly with the BM. What should I do? I feel so awful

Carly · #2 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 04:41 AM

Only you can decide really, but I would sit down and talk to him about how I feel, and if he doesnt want to understand and gets all verbally abusive, then I think you have to re-consider what it is you love about this man.

good luck.

C x

Lady Rools · #3 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 04:43 AM

Hugs to you Alli, you sound really upset. I don't blame you for being annoyed and angry, I would be too and sciatica is a total f***ing nightmare on top of everything else.

It sounds like H2B is 'being one of the lads' before his wedding day. He probably gets ribbed about it by his mates and by the BM. When jack goes out with the 'boys' he always comes home with an attitude, I think he feels guilty for leaving me at home with Annabel or for having a nice time without me or something and then he tries to cover up those feelings with being a mega macho man with testosterone and attitude. I do the same as you, scream and shout and get upset and try and hurt him back by saying I want to leave etc etc

At least your H2B said he was sorry...did he actually admit that he was in the wrong by not texting you? Saying he thought you would be asleep is a cop out, he was just really thoughtless and didn't want to admit it.

As for the BM being rude to you on the phone I would talk to him about it. You can't have that...put your foot down. You are going to spend the rest of your life with H2B....BM is probably pig sick jealous.

I would suggest talking to H2B when you have both calmed down and talking about how to go forward from here, there is no way he can argue with the fact that he should have texted you. Your love doesn't change in one night....and men are total plonkers when they want to be.

Love
Raffaela

p.s. I use a wheat bag on my back when sciatica kicks in and I sleep with a pillow between my knees to take the pressure off.

a7lyg · #4 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 04:55 AM

Thanks Raffaella, glad I'm not the only one that has this experience - sometimes I think I'm a complete lunatic, I don't want to be the screaming nag of a wife, but at the same time I don't want to put up with unacceptable behaviour. To give him his due, he DID say he should have let me know where he was but it upset me more that he lied about saying he'd called. I'm going to send him an e-mail and suggest that we sit down and make a list of some "ground rules" for our marriage and also sort out what the bug-bears are - there have been more than a couple of arguments over the last few weeks and I'd put it down to pre-wedding nerves, but I think some hard talking is in order. If he doesn't want to do that, then I'll have to seriously reconsider my future, and fast.............hopefully it won't come to that - he's normally a really thoughtful, reasonable guy - the other night I was really tired, he took my car and put fuel in it, then ran me a bath, after which I went to bed. When I came down in the morning he'd done my ironing so his behaviour last night really has knocked me for six..........

Where would I get a wheat pillow Raffaela? I'll do anything to relieve this pain - I am going to the chiropractor again today, fingers crossed............

karenl · #5 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 04:58 AM

Oh Alli, I can’t believe he’s being like that! The only thing I can think of is that he’s getting last minute nerves about the wedding and it’s his way of letting off steam. Not that it’s an excuse for such behaviour. How do you get on with his BM usually? I was wondering if perhaps you don’t really get on with BM, perhaps he’s a bit jealous and has been winding up H2B. I’ve seen it happen before, although the H2B has come to their senses eventually.

I reckon things will work out for you both and it’s probably just last minute nerves.

Big hugs and try not to get too worried about it, I’m sure when he sobers up he’ll be mortified and will be on his best behaviour for ages! Well that’s what mine does when he goes off the rails anyway!

K xx

Taz · #6 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 05:01 AM

OH Ali - you poor thing - you sound like you are going through Hell at the moment - big hugs babe... I would say follow your heart -maybe have a few days away on your own and really think about your feelings ..

Sorry not be much help - thinking of you..

Cupid xx

Lady Rools · #7 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 05:07 AM

Hi Alli

You have to remember that you are with H2B and marrying him because YOU LOVE ACH OTHER

it sounds like he is nervous about being 'a married man' and that he is rebelling against the whole thing, probably fuelled by his BM taking the mick.

With regards to sitting down and setting ground rules.... I would be really cautious at using the word 'rules' to him. If he is feeling a bit nervous about the wedding and his BM has been winding him up about being an old married man or whatever he might hear that words and freak out a bit and start another row 'you can't tell me what to do...I'm a grown man...I have a mind of my own, its not up to you to decide rah rah rah etc etc . (I'm just going on what Jack would do, I don't know your H2B )

I got my wheat bag from a craft fair but I am going to have a look on the internet for you. I put lavender drops on mine and put it in the microwave. It is SO nice.

I'll have a look and come back to you. Everything seems worse when you think about it too much Alli, think about the loving things like the bath and helping with your car, that's the real H2B and the man you love and want to marry. The fact that they are total thoughtless 'div's' some of the time is all part of being together.

Lady Rools · #8 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 05:10 AM

http://www.browfarm.co.uk/grain_bags

These are 9.00 plus 2.10 delivery

Mine was £6 from a craft fair but it was home made and the material isn't as nice

Lady Rools · #9 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 05:15 AM

http://www.helptheaged.org.uk/acatal...edical_11.html

This page has loads of wheat stuff

On the high street I would suggest Holland and Barratt or health shops or maybe larger stores of Boots

I hope you get it sorted, it's so painful and you need it better before your wedding you poor thing.

cathgamble · #10 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 05:28 AM

Big hug for you Alli!

Brett also goes macho when he goes out with the lads. It is not very often thankfully, but I find that he is best avoided after boys nights out because otherwise we will argue.

I do agree that perhaps your H2B is under pressure from his friends to do the "lad" thing before he settles into married life, but that is no excuse for not letting you know he was OK. It sounds like he knows he was in the wrong about that though. I am sure he will settle down a bit after the wedding - he is probably suffering a bit from nerves.

The only advice I can offer is that you follow your heart on this one. It is obvious that you love him - your concern over his whereabouts shows that. But you need to talk to him about this and make sure he is fully aware of how it made you feel. You talked about laying down some ground rules before you get married, and I agree that this might be a good plan, but be careful how you go about it. You don't want him to think that you are trying to tell him how to run his life. I know that is not what you are trying to do, but sometimes in the heat of the moment that is how it can sound to the other party. Try to make him come up with the idea of keeping you better informed himself!

Hope you manage to sort this out. And I hope your back gets a bit better too. Keep us posted, because this is a tricky time and we will all be thinking of you.

Catherine xxx

jesscakes · #11 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 06:04 AM

Alli

So sorry that this has all blown up in the last few weeks before your wedding! I know exactly where you are coming from on this, as my husband has done the same to me before.

There have been two occassions where I have woken up in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning to find the bed empty and hubby nowhere to be seen after he had gone off for a night out. I can totally relate to the heart thumping thing, because your imagination just goes into overdrive.

On the first occasion I phoned him on his mobile and we had a row at 1am over the phone, which turned into a huge argument when he got back that lasted through the night when we both had to go to work the next day (I think this was one of our lowest moments) His behaviour was uncharacteristic and when we talked it over the next day, I found out that he was really depressed at work and was having a really hard time coping with everything.

The second time, I went to sleep at 10pm, with him saying he would be back late, but not too late, and woke at 5am to an empty bed! This time when I checked my mobile, there was a messge waiting for me! He was spending the night at a mate's house. Now this wasn't ideal, as he did say he would be back, but at least he had contacted me to let me know where he would be.

We have agreed in future that if he goes out on a week night and he knows it is going to be a late one, that he will stay with a friend rather than coming back home at all hours, or not coming home and making me worry. And we have also agreed that on other nights out (ie not so late) that he gives me an expected time of return and will stick to it, or text me if not, so I know he is okay. I don't think these are unreasonable requests, but acts of common courtesy that any people who are living together should display. It means he can have his boys nights out (I agree that single friends try to wind them up about their impending lack of freedom!) and not feel tied to coming home to me, and I can have worry and stress free nights in too.

I think you do need to talk about this. Perhaps there are other issues there that you have missed and this is part of why he is acting in this way. However, I don't think you should threaten to leave him unless you really mean it. It can undermine your trust in each other and that is not a nice way to start married life. You need to talk and come to an agreement (rather than a rule) which you must abide by as well, so you are both equally making the effort.

Sorry if that was a bit of a lecture or a ramble, but I just wanted to share my experience with you and help you see you are not alone!

Best of luck with everything and hope the sciatica clears up soon!

Love Jessx

a7lyg · #12 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 08:28 AM

Thanks everyone - I am really grateful for all your advice - it helps to get different points of view on a situation from people who are not directly involved. I have sent him an e-mail basically telling him how his behaviour made me feel and how, when he's out with his BM, he comes home and I don't know him anymore. It's happened every single time they've been out together. His BM is a very angry and bitter individual and although he's had a really hard time of it over the last few years, so have both me and H2B and we don't go taking it out on others. H2B has admitted in the past that the BM is a bit of a ******* when he's drunk but he always, always comes home from a night out with him really arrogant and riled up as if the world owes him a living and it really doesn't suit him. I've also pointed out that I too can be arrogant and aggressive when I have been drinking and I've promised to try to change this in the future (just so he didn't feel under attack) and I've suggested we sit down tonight and talk about what our marriage will mean to both of us. A couple of things were mentioned in the heat of the moment this morning and I know he's desperately unhappy with his work situation (long story) but there are some things about me he's unhappy with to - if we can both sit down and discuss it like adults we may just get somewhere - keep your fingers crossed for me...........Thank you all again for your support!

Jess, I see where you're coming from about the rules thing and about not threatening to leave him as it undermines trust - I only attempted to leave this morning because he told me to pack my things and go because he was being all arrogant and macho (or trying to be as he stood swaying from his overindulgence of alcohol!) - I'll bear all this in mind when we (hopefully) have our chat.

Raffaela, thank you SO much for the links - I'll get something organised today or tomorrow and I'll try putting the pillow between my knees tonight - you're a gem!

mistleuk · #13 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 08:30 AM

ali i'm not good at advise but just wanted to say how sorry i am that tghis has all blown up just before your wedding, i hope the chat goes well

a7lyg · #14 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 11:12 AM

H2B phoned me after he got my e-mail feeling the worse for wear......he was a lot more drunk than I thought he was and now he's really feeling it. He has ulcerative colitis and shouldn't be drinking at all so he's really paying for it today.

He said that he was very, very sorry and has said he can see where I was coming from and he didn't mean to be such a prat. He said he wouldn't be doing that again and probably wouldn't be drinking with his BM again for a good couple of months anyway.

We still have a lot to talk about as there were things that were said in the heat of the moment that have obviously been festering for a while and we need to get them sorted out so hopefully we should be able to do that tonight.

The chiropractor session went well - i am still in pain, but not as much as I was and I can walk a bit better now - I've to go back on Saturday morning, so hopefully I'll be able to enjoy my hen night! I'm going to get my nail extensions put on at 10am on Saturday (the woman is going on holiday the week before my wedding and she wants to do the actual nail herself then I can go to her "stand-in" for infills the day before the wedding) so I'll be leaving there and heading straight for the chiropractor. Then I've to pick up my flowergirl and take her for her shoes, then it's home to get dressed for the hen night <phew> I hope my back is better by then!

I'll give you all an update tomorrow. Thank you, from the bottom of my

for your support, especially those of you who went out of your way to send me private message - it really means a lot to me - you guys are great, couldn't have gotten through today without you

Sue · #15 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 11:36 AM

Hello Alli

Glad H2B saw his errors, hope you have a good talk today. Sounds to me like he really loves you and was just being an arse

something I guess we all do sometimes.

As long as you talk and explain what you said in your email and feel you are getting the right response I wouldn't think you need to do anything drastic.

Take care

Sue xx
27/09/02

Heather · #16 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 05:38 PM

Nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said, so I'm just sending you a massive

Hope you can talk things through and don't forget exactly how much you love him!!

H

Mojo · #17 (**permalink**) 04-07-2002, 08:19 PM

My opinion on the dilemma..... me & Jon have not argued as much in our entire relationship as we have the last few months (leading up to the wedding)! When we need to talk about anything (eg: wedding

), what we do is go to a pub / restaurant and have a meal / drink, then talk it over - reason being, we CAN'T shout at each other in such a public place, so we are able to discuss things as adults without screaming at each other (which we would at home!!)!

Your HB2 sounds so sweet - just like Jon. It seems like he really loves you, stick with it it'll be worth it! (no man would run you a bath & fill your car with petrol if he didn't truly love you!)

Lol

Hope this helps, keep smiling.

MoJo xxx

vic-chick · #18 (**permalink**) 08-07-2002, 03:20 AM

Hi there. Sorry you are having some problems, I think it is something that dogs all of us as the wedding gets closer.

Other people have given you lots of good advice, so I won't tell you what to do. But just one thing I noticed on one of your posts - you talked about the things he does for you like fill up your car, iron clothes, and run the bath.

Men are bad at apologising and generally talking about their feelings - particularly if they are stressed and unhappy. But men tend to focus on solutions and actions - and they often show how much they love you through doing little things like washing up or vacuuming. So every little thing he is doing like this says "I really love you with all my heart, your happiness is so important to me, and I'm sorry for hurting your feelings". Just think of this sometimes and it might help confirm how he feels about you.

Oh yes - the word 'rules' is not great! But I think what you are doing is working well for you both from the sounds.

Take care, good luck, and go and see a good physiotherapist - there are some ok NHS ones (cheaper) and if you can find a private one who has McKenzie training, they are the best.