Devastated - Wedding Forum

#1 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 06:35 AM

Ive had some of the worst news ive ever had last night and im not coping very well. My parents told me they are having a trial seperation, and although i believe they have every intention of sorting it out, my dads still moving out for a bit

I know it happens to loads of people but i had no idea and i know im not a kid anymore but theyre still my mum and dad and i want them to be together.

I just cried and cried when they told me and it felt like the walls were closing in. I was so glad Mark was there as i really dont think i would have been able to take it if he wasnt.

I couldnt face work today and i still keep crying. Mums at home to and its like were trying to avoid each other which never happens as we are so close. Dads coming home at lunch time for a chat with her and hes sent me a text this morning saying i shouldnt worry and he loves me but i cant help it.

I know what theyre trying to do is probably the best way as id hate if it just finished in 5 years time and that was that and i think thats what would have happened if they hadnt taken this break but its still hurting soo much.

I know it wasnt an easy decision for them to make and im hoping it works out but im having one of the worst days of my life and needed to get it off my chest.

Thanks for listening guys x

Bianca · #2 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 06:42 AM

I'm really sorry to hear that Paula.
My parents went through a long period (2 yrs) of just not talking when I was in my teens and it was awful. In a way, at the time, I wished for them to just make a decision and either part for a bit or be happy because it was effecting my younger brother so badly, but now I am older I know life's decisions are just not like that.
As we as a family never went through them actually separating I don't really know how you are feeling, but I know it must be awful. It must have been hard for your parents to have made this decision too.
Sorry I don't really know what to say. I hope that your parents get what they feel they need from this and that they can then work through their problems.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Toria · #3 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 06:42 AM

Paula

I'm so sorry to hear this - for you and for your parents. You poor things. Of course you're devastated - you never stop being their child.

All I can offer at the moment is support and

, and you know we're all here for you.

T x

roz · #4 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 06:48 AM

Agreed! Chris was 20 when his parents finally split up and it's still a hell of a shock when you think you're an adult.

It actually really changed his whole outlook on relationships he was so shaken.

Expect to take it quite hard I think, but at least they're trying to sort things out and who knows, it might do the relationship a power of good.

Thinking of you.

<passes tissues>

Roz,xx

mella · #5 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 07:06 AM

Hi Paula,

I'm so sorry, honey. I wish I could say or do something to make you less sad. The only thing that will make things better is time though.

My mum is on her third marriage. I was too young to remember the first separation (just knew my dad lived abroad and wasn't around for us), the second one was painful, but so dragged out and so apparent it wasn't a shock at all.

It sounds like you didn't really have any idea they were having problems which has made it worse for you?

At least you know they are going to try and that offers some light at the end of the tunnel.

(huge hug)

m
x

Taz · #6 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 07:27 AM

Paula - don't know what to say except

I can't imagine how you are feeling at this time ...

Cupid xx

SusieQ · #7 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 07:29 AM

Paula,

I'm so sorry to hear your news. You must be absolutely devastated. I know there is nothing I can say to make it better but I do hope that in the end everyone will find happiness.

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes as this is one of my biggest fears of getting married.

I am thinking of you and huge hugs are coming your way.

Love
Susie
xxx

Lynne · #8 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 07:39 AM

i know how you feel and i hope you feel better soon

it will get easier tho

Lx

cathgamble · #9 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 07:54 AM

I am sorry to hear that Paula. My parents split up about 5 years ago, and I found it difficult to cope with. They seemed to think it would be easier to bear with me being older, but that wasn't the case.

Trust me - it will get easier........

My parents actually went as far as getting divorced. My dad now lives over here, and my mum is still in the UK. However, 5 years later, they are talking again, and getting on so well. They have rediscovered what they loved about each other, and a complete reunion looks like it might be on the cards soon.....

In my opinion, they just needed some time out. It did them both the world of good, and they both seem to have become more open and honest about things as a result of it.

Right now, try to be strong. Your parents need you at the moment, and although it may seem odd at first you may find that there is a bit of a role reversal and they come to you for support. However, please please please try not to get stuck in the middle. This was the hardest thing for me, and I had to make it clear to my parents that I would not act as a messanger for them - it was their marriage, and up to them to sort out their problems.

I'll be thinking of you. Remember we are here if you need to chat.

Catherine xxx

helen_adele · #10 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 08:17 AM

oh honey
i'm so sorry
i hope you feel better soon - it will get easier at the moment you are probably still in shock but as the others have said they probably just need some time out

my parents split when i was 14 but things had got so bad by then it was a relife and beleve me it is better haveing too happy seperate parents than too vangry and upset ones in the same house

i'm sure they will sort it out given time and as you dad has said they still love you so don't fall into the trap of trying to blame yourself.

take care and if you need to talk we are all here for you

best wishes to you and your family

helen

Jo · #11 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 08:28 AM

Paula, it is awful.

My dad, after 30 years of marriage just called my Mum one day and said he wasn't coming home anymore. They divorced a year later. It was dreadful and like you even though I was grown up it was very hard. My mum fell apart and she needed me to be strong to help her through. Because I was strong for her it helped me to cope to.

Try to be strong for your parents sake, they will need you. H2B was a tower of strength for me and if your H2B is to then you can turn to him for support whilst giving your support to your parents.

Any help or advice please PM me.

Mega mega hugs for you

xxxx

#12 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 10:17 AM

Thankyou all so much from the bottom of my heart. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading all your messages and i hope you are all right and that they work it out.

Now ive had a little time to think about it i actually think there is a huge chance they will as there were never screaming arguments or anything like that - i think it boils down to the fact theyve been together 23 years since they were 16 and have put all the problems to one side to raise me and my brother and have decided its time to sort them out and do things for themselves and each other rather than ignore them.

Dads been here today for a bit and hes still staying here till he finds a place for a few weeks and they seemed fine - talked for ages and i just stayed in my room - finding it a bit hard to face them without wanting to cry.

Ive got everything crossed that theyll pull through, not just for me but because i think they actually want to make it.

Ill let you all know how things go over the next few days and again, you have no idea how much it means to me to have all your support. Thank you all so much xxx

mistleuk · #13 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 10:49 AM

Aww paula

don't know how i would have coped if that happened to my parents, i'm thinking about you and you knwo where we all are

Heather · #14 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 01:37 PM

Hang in there hun!

Be strong for both of them, I'm sure Mark will be a massive support for you so you know you're not going through it alone!

We're all here for you too!

H

Lo · #15 (**permalink**) 15-08-2002, 05:09 PM

Hi Paula, here's another

I know what you are going through, my mum left my dad after 25 years of marriage, I was 16 and my brother was 21. My mum had wanted to wait til I was 18, but couldn't live with him anymore.

This may shock, and I only found out earlier this year, but my mum actually said that she would rather have died than stay with my father. He wasn't a bully or an alcoholic, quite the opposite, but he never grew up. He'd had affairs early on in the realtionship (just after I was born) and my brother, who was 5, would hug my mum, and ask her why daddy didn't stay at home with them. (Here come the

)

It's only now that I've got married myself, that I can understand WHY she couldn't stay with him.

Please talk to your mum, you're the one person she probably really needs right now, even if it's just to give her a hug and tell her you love her. My brother and I blamed my mum for leaving, but it was no-one's fault, and at least you parents are both strong enough to be able to talk about it and still love you at the same time.

Thinking of you,
lots of luv, Lo xxxx

karenl · #16 (**permalink**) 16-08-2002, 04:08 AM

Hi Paula

Sorry I got into this thread a bit late. Have a big

I'm afraid I haven't got any words of wisdom to add to this, but all I will say is what the others have said certainly makes sense. Keep your chin up and be strong for them, H2B will help you through it and it will make you even closer.

Take care sweetie

Kxx

nikki · #17 (**permalink**) 16-08-2002, 06:38 PM

Hi Paula

I'm really late with this - didn't see it before, but just wanted to send you a huge hug.

My mum and stepdad split up about ten years ago and it was AWFUL - but in the end my mum misse dhim so much she rang him and asked him to come home! I think time apart is what people need after a long time to remember what they love about each other!

And even if it's not meant to be , you can be sure they still care deeply about each other - my mum and dad were only married for five years but are the best friends ever.

I hope it all works out for the best and am asending you my biggest hugs,

N xxx

mandy · #18 (**permalink**) 17-08-2002, 08:23 AM

We are in the same position, I originally only wanted a small intimate day and we are now looking at around 75 I too think there are much more important things we could spend the money on and we are paying it for ourselves, so if anyone dares to leave any food on their plate, I will be going round and reminding them very politely, (with a knife in their backs) how much it bloody cost

valentina · #19 (**permalink**) 17-08-2002, 11:55 AM

Im so sorry Paula. I cant imagine how you feel and I havent any more words of wisdom that havent already been said, so I'll just give you a big hug!

SUNRISECRUZ · #20 (**permalink**) 05-09-2002, 09:13 PM

PAULA SORRY HEAR THIS, NOT MUCH I CAN SAY.

BUT REMEMBER THIS WE BEING SPANISH HAVE A SAYING GOD MAY CHOKE YOU BUT HE WONT KILL YOU.

THINGS WILL WORK OUT.

a7lyg · #21 (**permalink**) 06-09-2002, 05:07 AM

Paula, sorry to hear your news

My mum and dad split up when I was 18, after the suicide of my brother and it was a dreadful time as I felt as if the bottom had fallen out of my world. It was slightly easier for me to accept as my dad was a violent and aggressive when he was drunk and my mum had put up with it for years. Although my mum remarried, when my dad died 2 years ago, my mum took it really hard.

I know I'm rambling a bit but what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone - it doesn't matter how old you are, it always deeply upsets you when your mum and dad come across as being real people, with problems and difficulties that they are struggling to cope with. I think it's because you spend much of your life looking up to them and taking an example from them and they seem so strong and when they seem to be faltering, it makes you feel panicky and very upset.

It sounds as though your parents have a deep, strong love for each other - 23 years is a long time to be together and you don't stay with someone that long if you don't think you have something great. I hope they will work things out for everyone's sake. In the meantime, try to be strong for both of them as although it's hard for you, it must be a million times harder for them - try to be there for both of them and although it's an old cliche, remember that they both love you very much, even if things don't work out for them.

Remember we're here if you need to rant......

Take care